Every day I'm shuffling

I know you're singing the song in your head now. It's OK. Go ahead and take a minute to shuffle your booty around the floor while you sing, I'll wait. Feel better? I know I do. I always do after a great workout, whatever that work out may be. Granted I may be cussing whoever just handed me my ass in the workout but it's a cussing with a lot of love behind it. I'm struggling. No...change that. I'm more than struggling. I am simply here, not working out and not watching what I eat. Well I do watch what I eat as it goes into my mouth. I miss having a gym close, more than I thought I would. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed going to the gym until the option was taken away from me. I miss the natural high I got from walking into the gym, workout pants on, and stepping on that treadmill surrounded by others feeling the need for speed (and losing pounds). I miss Zumba and Centergy classes. I miss the weight machines. I miss the walking track that I'd use to cool down after an awesome cardio and weight session.

I bought a treadmill several weeks ago and I just need to get it set up. But what if I don't get that high like I got at the gym? And the biggest what if for me is this: What if I make goal weight and I'm STILL not happy with my body. What then? Maybe that's part of what keeps me from losing past a certain point? I am my own worst enemy that is for sure. I need to get past this fear. I just need to suck it up and get back on the ball, quite literally so I can get this midsection toned up. I want to fit back into my rocking cute professional clothes. I want to be able to put on a pair of damn sexy boots and strut my stuff. Now where is the hot crew of men to put my treadmill together so I can get started on all of that?

Hard

This one is hard to write, but blogging is my outlet and helps me to keep my sanity so it's needed. All I've ever wanted to be is a wife and mother. It's all I can remember wanting to do when I was growing up. An actual job, teaching, only came about because all I heard growing up was how important it was to get a degree and be self-sufficient. I loved watching others learn, and learning because I taught them something, but that job was chosen because it would allow me to be the type of mother I want to be. I want to be that "soccer mom". I want to be that mom that has a job, but I also want to have a great deal of time with my kids and be able to go to whatever they are participating in. Teaching would allow it. And now school counseling will allow that as well.

Not being in that role at this point in my life is incredible difficult. I thought by the time I was 25 that I would have been married, and if I wasn't already a mother one would be planned or in the works. I'm on the brink of 29 and have yet to find that person to spend my life with and start a family. And as great as everyone tries to be with what they say, the fact of the matter is this: no one has a crystal ball. No one has seen my future. No one can tell me for sure that I will get everything I want out of life. I'm not unhappy with my life in the least. I have done a great deal because I'm not tied down with family. I do enjoy dating, as tortuous as it can be at times. Having an open schedule to make plans with friends is nice. It has been incredible finding out who I truly am and what I want out of life. It's all great for now, but it's not what I want for the rest of my life.

I hope and pray every day that I get the two things I want most in this life. I cannot wait to promise forever to someone else. I cannot wait to hear the first cries of my baby, comfort them when they're sick, and watch them grow up with my husband by my side. They say good things come to those who wait and I've waited patiently this long and I sure hope that I have the time to wait longer.

Please forgive me...

if I fall asleep during conversations with you. It is 99.5% likely that I am not bored by what you are saying, but simply trying to adjust to this waking up at 0:dark thirty to get used to the school schedule. I'm not going to lie a bit. I have definitely taken advantage of being unemployed the last few months, which includes not going to bed until 2 or 3:00 and waking up well after 9:00 some days (and maybe a nap thrown in). Lucky for me I wake up in an annoyingly good mood regardless of the amount of sleep I've gotten so at least my mood will be in tact. I just cannot guarantee that my eyes or mind will be.

They, and by they I mean Covey and his gang, say it takes three weeks to make a habit. I only have 20 more days left to go. Pray that the little bit of sanity I have left decides to see me through this adjustment.

Getting to know me #2

In January I started posting some random tidbits about me so that you, my blog readers, would gain some insight into who I am and what I do. This is a continuation of that process to help you get to know me.

* I love the show Criminal Minds. Yes it features Shemar Moore and who couldn't love that fact alone? But it's more than that for me. I am a budding counselor. I see life situations from a different perspective than most. The person having a bad day? I often empathize with them and want to know what is going on in their life to cause them to lash out on others. The guy who just killed his wife and kids? I want to know what happened to make him murder the family he once loved and cared about. What happened in his past to make him capable of committing murder. Criminal Minds allows me to see that others think much like I do.

* My blog name, Woman on a Mission, has a very strong meaning. I am a woman on a mission. What is that mission? I want to find the real me. I want to find what it is I love to do most in this world. I want to learn as much as I can about everything. I am on a mission to live the best life that is possible for me in this world.

* Upon graduation (June 2012) I am planning a European vacation of sorts. I want to travel the world and see as much as I can before I settle down with a husband and kids, if that is in my future. What better way to start than with a backpacking adventure through the countryside of some of the most beloved countries in the world? Feel free to provide tips, places to travel, and any information that you have.

* I am much more secure in who I am than I ever have been. However, I still have my moments of insecurities. I am, and will continue to be, a work in progress in this respect. I fear that I will never be happy with how I look on the outside, and perhaps if I'm honest, it is one of the reasons why I slack off from working out. What if I get to my goal weight and I'm STILL not happy with how I look? What would all of the blood, sweat, and tears have been for then? I do not have forever though. I NEED to get this weight off for my health and for my future family. I will do it.

I must sign off for the night. 6:00 will come awfully early and want to be on top of my game for my first day of practicum tomorrow.

It's here!

The time to start my fieldwork is here. I can hardly believe that it's been two years already since I started my Masters program and that I am within eight months of obtaining my masters degree (if I survive of course). My fieldwork starts with my practicum, which is ten weeks long and requires 100 hours in the school system. I will have my own caseload of students that I will work with every week and I'm also going to be starting a psychoeducational group based off of The Seven Habits for Highly Effective Teens. I will be teaching the students better habits to be more effective in their day to day life at home and at school. The Seven Habits training that I attended several years ago was beneficial and inspirational and really helped me to learn more about myself. I hope that the experience I had will be the experience that my students have when going through this group over the next several weeks.

My internship will be next. My internship will be 23 weeks long and will require 600 hours in the school. It will be very similar to my practicum except much more intensive than the practicum. I'm so very thankful that we'll have the introductory period with the practicum. The students will get to see my face, learn my name, and hopefully know that I'm a person they will be able to trust by the time my internship starts.

On top of my practicum, I have my integrated project which is a research intensive course that requires each student to write a paper that is slightly smaller than a thesis. Research makes me very nervous because there is so much that goes into research being acceptable for educational purposes. It requires a lot of time to make sure that you are selecting information that works for your paper and is acceptable for a research project. However, my professor seems very supportive already and I think she will do what she can to help us out with our paper and research.

I cannot wait to start this time in my life and it all starts Tuesday. Here is to hoping that it is everything I hope it will be and more.

Enough already!

People that have never made much sense to me are negative and dramatic people and maybe it's because even at my worst I can still see the best in any given situation and the last thing I want to do is make a bad situation seem worse. I honestly feel bad for complaining to people about things that are going on in my life because I know that someone, somewhere has it so much worse than I do. Someone is battling cancer, just lost their mother, or watching their baby fight for their life. I know that everyone is fighting their own battles on a daily basis, but must everyone make a mountain out of a molehill? Why is stubbing your toe a sign that the world is against you? I certainly do not expect everyone to be a Pollyanna, but a little less tragically negative is not too much to ask. Life is a beach. There is a beautiful sunrise and sunset to enjoy, a horizon worth looking towards, and moments to savor and remember each day because of the beauty in life.

Completely fitting

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked -- Bernard Meltze

I am flawed. God might have made me perfect in His eyes, but I've definitely ventured off the beaten path. I'm human and that's what we do. I have not lived a perfect life and have made enough mistakes, especially in regards to men, to fill a book with lessons on how to spot a jerk or follow your gut. I have a small mole hill, reduced from a Mt. Everest sized mountain, of insecurities. I do not make excuses for them and I struggle with hiding them. They like to rear their ugly head often and at times when I certainly do not need them. However, I have done a great job in the last several months of shutting them up either with chocolate or a solid dose of reality. Regardless of my flaws, insecurities, and cracks I've found people in my life who love me either despite my flaws or because of my flaws. I am incredibly blessed to have the people in my life that I do that I've bonded with because of school, passions, work, life, and love. I have friends of different religious, political, and sexual backgrounds. It makes me a better person to have a wide mixture of friends. I am blessed beyond measure with the richness that has been brought to my life because of the people that have come in and out of it. Thank you for all that you've done for me, all that you do for me, and all that will be done in my life because of your presence.

You did what?!

Yes, I deactivated my Facebook and before anyone freaks out it's just temporary. I have a lot on my mind and a lot going on and right now I don't need the additional information flow. The last time I was in this kind of mood I went and deleted 328 friends from my page and I'm still trying to get those people back eight months later, some of which I really cared about. So...to save me the headache of trying to find all of those people again I'm just going to deactivate it for a little bit. I'm not sure how long of a break I'm going to take, just that I'm taking a break. I'm sure it won't be long, but y'all know how to get a hold of me if you want to talk or give me updates on life (and some of y'all better be giving me updates considering there are some expected baby arrivals soon)!

I didn't pass out...

So my exes birthday is coming up in three days. Birthdays are a big deal to me. I just think it's a day that should be remembered and celebrated. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and thinking "You should message him. You should tell him happy birthday". So I decided today that I was just going to do it and see what happened. I wasn't sure if he would respond or not, because well he got a not so nice email a few months back telling him everything I held back, feelings wise) while we were together (I missed him one night and the feelings were overwhelming so I needed to get it out).

Anyways, I messaged him this morning and we'ved exchanged a few texts messages back and forth now. I haven't had a meltdown. I haven't passed out. I haven't had any overwhelming feelings at all. It feels good to have a conversation with him and not have any super strong feelings one way or another, which a month ago I couldn't have said the same. Like I said in my post yesterday, I still have days where I miss him. I had a little ping of that today while we were texting, but it was nothing compared to the longing that I once felt. I don't miss him so much that it hurts anymore.

Processing with someone who is completely unbiased is something I highly recommend to everyone. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a motive behind me messaging him today instead of on the actual day of his birth. I had a therapy session today. I knew, for my own sanity, that I needed to do it today just in case I did make a downward spiral into missing him, which would inevitably turn into focusing on what went wrong and how things could have been so different. Instead, I got to revel in the bliss of my progress in therapy with my counselor. It's good to see that the goals I set for myself in my first couple sessions are coming to fruition. I am becoming the me that I've always wanted to be, and let me tell you it feels pretty darn good!

It's OK to miss him...

I've often thought that society puts too much pressure on us to live the life that they want us to live. A life where "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger", which means that you just have to pick up and move on. But moving on, in any sense of the word, isn't easy. Take for instance a move, the most literal sense of the word. One has to sort through everything that they want to keep or throw away. Once you do that it's time to pack all of your belongings into boxes, put them on the moving truck, pray that your belongings make it there all in one piece, unload, unpack, and reorganize everything back to where you want it to be in your new house.

Relationships endings are much the same. One has to decide what you want to keep as memories from the relationships, whether pictures or the stupid hat you bought on vacation. Once you make that decision, it's time to start packing away parts of the relationship. No you're no longer in a relationship, what was once an RSVP for two is now an RSVP for one, and rituals that once existed no longer do. You then have to put yourself on that truck with your belongings, not the "we" belongings, and move on to your next destination where you will then have to start over again. There will be prayers, begging, pleading, and tears as you make the move and as you hope that you arrive safely and in one piece. Feelings that you buried will be found, much like possessions are found in random places (I once found a cherished hand me down in a garbage can). New feelings will emerge to replace emotions that are fleeting with time. And you'll slowly put your life back together again. Much like a literal move, an emotional move isn't easy, but it's one that you will survive with hopefully a few minor bruises and smashed thumbs.

One of the most helpful things that my counselor told me was this "It's OK to miss him". I've found, for the last few days, that I really miss my ex. I can pinpoint it to this: today makes one year since we met and on the 27th is his birthday. He's on my mind a lot for these two very reasons. I wanted to be spending this day together and obviously birthdays are important to me and I was hoping that I'd at least be the first and last to tell him to have a great birthday and that I loved him. It's hard not celebrating our one year of knowing each other together and what's harder is not talking to him, even though all I wanted six weeks ago was for him to not message me so that I could move on (funny how that works, huh)? It's OK though. I'm not going to feel bad about missing him. I am not going to ask myself "why aren't you over this already"? I am as over it as one person can be. There are going to be days, until I find someone else and feel those feelings again, that I miss him. There are going to be days where I wonder what could have been. There are going to be days that I struggle not messaging him or days where I do and maybe wish I hadn't. But I'm not going to let society, and the inner monologue I've built based on society, make me feel bad. Today, I miss him. Today, I would rather be with him than celebrating Easter alone. And you know, that's OK.

A cherished mother/daughter moment

So I know that you (my loyal blog readers) know that I have body image issues. Always have, probably always will. They have been getting better though and I've really been working on my self-image the last few months through my own work and through counseling. One of the issues my counselor and I discussed was that of my parents making comments about losing weight. I knew then I needed to lose weight, but I didn't need them telling me I need to lose weight or make any kind of comments about my pants not fitting, or that I'm getting as big as the girls I said I've never be as big as, or anything of the sort. The size on my jeans shouldn't have an effect on whether or not someone considers me beautiful, and that's how I always felt.

Anyways, my counselor and I discussed having a conversation with my mama about it because I never want my nieces or nephews to feel like I did when I started putting on weight. I didn't want to have the conversation with my mama about it because I didn't want her to feel bad about comments that she's made in the past, but like my counselor and I discussed this wasn't about HER it was about ME and what I needed to do for my healing process. I finally got up the nerve to talk to her about it last night and she apologized then and said she never meant to make me feel that having extra weight meant that I was less beautiful. That was enough for me to make me feel better about it and calmed some of the crazy thoughts in my head.

They left today and not 30 minutes after they left I get this text message from her "Please forgive me for making you feel less than you are. You are one of the most beautiful women I know. Perfect in every way. I strive to be like you. I love you". Gah I'm tearing up rewriting it. It honestly was exactly what I needed to hear from her. My heart is so full right now and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just from the conversation we had. I'm so glad that I talked to her about it.

March wrap-up

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged, especially because I've had a lot to say in the last few weeks. My counselor and I discussed me journaling or blogging every day between sessions and I just haven't done it until today. There has been so much going on and so much to be thankful for these past few weeks.

My birthday was March 21st and I turned a young 28. It's hard to believe that in just two years I will be the big 3-0. I sometimes look at my life and think what have I accomplished in 28 years, but I've done a lot that many my age haven't done. I've traveled pretty extensively, granted not out of the country but I have seen almost 25 of our great states in the US. California will make 25 in June and I couldn't be more excited even if I have to make the trip alone. It is going to be such a fun adventure (and hopefully a safe one too). I bought a house. I've gone white water rafting and will hopefully be skydiving this summer. I've loved and lost and loved again. I've got my groove back these days. I've made dozens of friends that I consider close confidants and more like family than friends. And I've made a difference in hundreds of kids lives whether it was imparting some minor wisdom that I've learned over the years or spending time with them when no one else wanted to.

For my birthday I got to see the Harlem Globetrotters play with three of my dearest friends and we had such a great time. I feel so incredibly blessed with the friends that I have and that when I tell them they are going to spend my day with me they happily agree (this includes you Jamie...don't pretend). I have been wanting to see them for such a long time and thanks to one of my awesome mentors she was able to score me four free tickets. So not only did I get to see them, but I got to see them FOR FREE!! If you have never seen them, and like laughing, I definitely suggest taking in a show. It is fun to be had by all in attendance.

Kayla came down to see me and that was such an incredible trip and week with her. I cried when she had to get back on a plane from Charlotte. We got to spend time visiting with some great friends, eating good food (considering her terrible morning sickness this was GREAT), laughing, talking, and seeing the sights of the south. I think the trip really sold her on the beauty and hospitality of those in the South, because let's be honest there really is no place like the Southern US.

Counseling is going well and I feel like I'm making some great progress in the goals that I set for myself before going into therapy. I am a much more open person in relationships with the opposite sex, whereas I have kind of always taken a backseat to the guys and let them lead. Damn the "rules" and expectations that society has placed on women when it comes to relationships. I am going to do things my way from now on. If I like a guy I'm going to tell him. If I want to be with him I'm going to tell him. If I think he's not right for me for one reason or another I'm going to tell him. And if he's being a jerk, too clingy, needy, or whatever I will tell him. I refuse to settle this time around. I refuse to do what I've always done in past relationships. If he doesn't like me for me, then he's not the right guy for me. I have to be true to myself. I have to not doubt myself. If I see red flags I have to do what is best for me. The old me would have brushed the red flags aside and gone with it anyway because I was afraid of not ever finding love with anyone else. But those fears are gone. I don't care if it takes until I'm 60 to find the right guy for me. It takes as long as it takes. Until that time, I am going to do right by me and live for myself. Because until someone comes along that can keep up and handle me at my best and worst, I am the only person that matters.

OUCH and an update!

I am so sore today. My back, my legs, my abs...especially my abs. I have been doing this workout for a week now, which consists of 30 minutes walking/jogging/running, abs, and stretching. I have had mild soreness, but today I'm hurting. And maybe it's because I took the weekend off and was a complete slub, and by that I mean I cleaned house and did homework and slept all weekend. We all deserve those weekends, right? I guess the lack of exercise is hitting me today. Grr! I guess it just means that I'll have "fun" working out the kinks tonight with my run.

Now on to the update...I am officially 8 lbs down this past month!!! Get this girl some balloons and hold the cake! It feels good to be back on the weight loss train after so many months of missing it as it pulled away from the station. However, I am back and it's full steam ahead. It makes me feel like I can do this again and I WILL get past my plateau weight this time. It's just going to take a lot of dedication and will power to get there. Just three more pounds to go and I can officially say I'm back to 30 lbs. lost. And then it's on to my next goal of five lbs to break my plateau weight from before. How are y'all doing on your goals and weight loss?

Counseling is going well. I am still going every two weeks and he's really helping me to find my confidence. I have always had body issues, and still have them. But I'm not so worried about what guys think of my body at this stage in the game. Yes, I still have my moments before meeting someone for the first time. I wonder if he's going to instantly not like me because I have a belly pooch or a little extra padding on my thighs. But I just talk those things away. Because I know that "the one" for me won't judge me based on the extra fluff I have. He's going to love me for who I am and what I bring to the relationship and not whether I have a six pack of abs (although I'd know I would rock those things like no one's business) LOL.

Sleep schedule...this makes me laugh. If I could actually get my butt to sleep by 11:30 it would be a miracle. It doesn't matter if I bust my butt at work, then have a great workout, and do homework before bed because I'm still not getting to sleep by 11:30. I'm just not a person who requires a lot of sleep, but it would be nice to have a more "normal" sleep schedule. Sigh...at that to the list of not normal things about me.

Life is getting better. It's a nice change from where I was two months ago. It's not been easy and actually has been really hard so far, but I'm loving the direction I'm headed and only see bright things on the horizon!

5K bound!

So two years ago I started training for a 5K for my company, Youth Villages. It would have been my first 5K and I was soo pumped about doing it. The week before the race I got my time to just under 40 minutes for 3.2 miles. I know it doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment because that has me running a 12ish minute mile, but for my little legs and the extra weight on my body I'd say that's pretty darn good. However, not running for the last several months has me starting almost at square one. I had my first training day today and I got 1.4 miles in in 22 minutes. I am doing my own spin on the couch to 5K only because I'm not quite at square one. The goal is to run 4-5 days a week and fit some other workouts in there too. I'm going to start out with 30 minute jogs to build up. From there I'll build up in ten minute intervals.

I'm prone to shin splints so I've got to take it slow and steady and make sure that I'm giving my legs plenty of rest and stretching and love. Shin splints kept me from doing as well as I hoped with training last time, but I think because I went all out and didn't take care of myself the way I should. This time around I know what I need to do. I have the ice and biofreeze ready if need be. Keep pushing me guys. I'm going to need the motivation. Oh and feel free to stop by my page and donate to my efforts for Youth Villages. Here is the link http://support.youthvillages.org/goto/JesslynMcGlumphy

The dating world

The dating world is a lot like dandelions. You grow, you bloom, and then your blooms are blown away by nature or by some person who comes and picks you, blows off the petals, and then throws you back on the ground. My life has been a lot like this. There have been things that have happened in my life that took away my blooms. Deaths, a near death experience, heart surgery for my mama, and so much more. Nature was doing what it does and threw curves ball at me. And romantically I've had a few guys who have come and swept me off my feet, played their games, blew off the petals, and threw me back to the ground without a care of whether or not I'd have the chance to grow back again.

I think it's time I become that picker this time around. I'm tired of being the dandelion. I want to be the one who walks through the fields, takes in the scenery, and picks which dandelion is going to be mine to do with as I please. I think after the years of dating life catastrophe I deserve that right? Here's to hoping that the date tonight, an amazing date at that, is the start of me making the right choices for myself. The start to not getting blown apart and thrown to the ground.

Be here now

Have you ever just allowed yourself to be? Be in the moment, be here, be present? I find myself often living in the past and planning for the future. What could I have differently yesterday to make today a better day? What is tomorrow going to look like? I rarely take time to just soak in the day and relax. Don't misinterpret that as not taking time for me, because I do take time for me. But even in those moments I don't allow myself to just be. My mind is racing with a million thoughts of what to do, where to go, and how to get there. I don't spend time just focusing on today and enjoying every moment in that moment. Instead, I enjoy that moment tomorrow when I'm thinking about yesterday.

In session today my counselor tried this technique on me. He gave me a piece of candy, a mint, and asked me to put it in my mouth. He asked me to focus on that piece of candy in my mouth. What was my tongue tasting, could I feel the soothing sensation as the minty taste went down my throat, what could I smell as I breathed in and out, and how did I feel after that moment of focusing on the here and now. How did I feel? I felt alive, I felt aware, I felt focused, and I felt present. It was such a simple technique and yet the effects were clear. He encouraged me to spend five minutes a day just focusing on being present. I am not to think about what happened yesterday, hope for tomorrow, or plan for the future. I am simply to be in the moment. Calm, balanced, aware, present. Do you think you can do the same?

Bad decisions

I think we've all made bad decisions in life. Some people regret their bad decisions, some would rather forget them, and some choose to learn from their bad decisions. I am one of those that chooses to learn from my mistakes and bad decisions, including the decisions I've made regarding the guys that I consider significant relationships. Some of the relationships were brief, some were not. Some had great emotion attached to the relationship and others didn't. Let me explain. We'll start with my first love. We were friends, talked on and off about dating when one of us was single, finally got our shot, and we blew it. Our actual dating relationship was all of three months, but the love was there and it was five years in the making. He'll always hold a special place in my heart as most first loves do. My worst relationship was 13 months, but I wasn't in love with him. I liked him a lot and we talked about a future, but I never had the overwhelming feelings of love that I had for my first love or the most recent failure. But that relationship left the deepest wounds. I was lied to A LOT. I was cheated on. And did I mention that I was lied to A LOT? I wasn't sure I'd ever heal from that relationship. But here I am, stronger than ever. I've learned more from that one relationship than I have from all the others combined.

The last relationship was a relationship that was doomed from the beginning to be honest, but I got sucked in like I always do and refused to ignore that voice inside my head that said "You promised yourself you wouldn't date another guy fresh out of a relationship". I told that voice to shut up and that came back to bite me in the ass. But what did I learn? That I've come to realize when a guy is ready and when he's not and to tell him to hit the road if he's not. I am firm in who I am. I know what I want. I'm ready to settle down and have the life of mama and wife. I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve. Does that make me cocky? I don't think so. I think it means that I'm a strong, confident woman who realizes that she's worth fighting for when times get tough, more kisses than there are stars in the sky, and a deeper love than some will ever know. I refuse to believe that the guy for me isn't out there and until he comes along I'll keep learning from my mistakes and hoping that love is just around the corner.

Getting to know me #1

I was thinking last night that I have some blog followers who don't really know me. You're following my life changing journey and yet what do you really know about me except that I'm overweight, I have no cable, and I'm in counseling for some past/current issues? So from time to time I'm going to post some insights into what makes me, well me! Today is your first insight.

1) I like to drink orange juice with my pizza. I'm not quite sure why, but if I'm eating pizza I'm probably drinking orange juice.
2) I love pictures and I like to be surrounded by them so therefore I have them all over my walls in my house. Everywhere you look you'll see my family, friends, and me sharing in some great memories.
3) I have to be cold when I sleep. Not sleeping in -5 below temperatures, but about a 65 degree temperature. If I'm hot I can't sleep and then I get cranky and me cranky sleepy is not a good time...trust me.
4) I don't eat vegetables, which makes this whole losing weight thing harder. I like peas, corn, and sometimes carrots (potatoes too but those aren't exactly ideal). I'll eat broccoli, mushrooms, or spinach if it's in small pieces and cooked in something. I HATE peppers. Gross!
5) I once punched an ex-boyfriend, right in the jaw, when he told me that he wasn't actually going through divorce but that they had an open relationship while he was away working. I don't condone physical aggression at all, but in this case it was justified and it felt good! And yes I did break up with him then and there.
6) I have a hard time picking a favorite author so my top three would be Jodi Picoult (pronounced Pea-coe), Nicholas Sparks, and Emily Giffin.
7) Seven is my favorite number so I'll probably do seven random facts about me at a time.

No cable equals ?

So in the quest to save money before I have to quit my big girl job (aka professional job) in January I canceled my cable on Monday morning. I haven't watched much of it, or at least I thought, in the last few months so I figured why not? Apparently I watched more than I thought. The last few days I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. Stuff that was typically waiting until the weekends that I was actually home to get done like laundry, cooking, and working out. I have been that woman that in the past has skipped going to the gym and just said "I'm just going to go home and work out". What do you think I actually did when I got home? If you said everything but work out you'd be correct (sorry no prizes for winning). I would watch TV, I'd play with Chloe (my adorable pooch who is definitely cuter than yours), play on Facebook, jump on a forum, or a million other things. However, not having the option to plop down in front of the TV has given me the motivation I needed to get on the ball with all the things that I'm wanting to get down around here.

The barrier to that is scheduling. As I write this I'm already currently behind what I was hoping would be my new set bedtime of 11:30. I have a horrible sleep schedule as of now. I go to bed between 12:30 and 1:00 and get up at 8:00, which is just enough time to get ready and get out the door to be at the office by 9:00. Sometimes I'll end up doing a little work from home first and then going into the office, but either way my sleeping schedule sucks. Add on me being a full-time graduate student and trying to date and be the best friend possible and well chaos is inevitable. So the only way I can get the chaos under control is planning, planning, and more planning. However, even the best laid plans go wrong (IE: blogging 15 minutes past bedtime) and so I must be dedicated and committed and willing to be honest with myself about where I'm getting off course. So, with that said it is time for bed. So I wish you all a goodnight and the sweetest dreams that one can dream.

The best gift for yourself

I know that humans are by nature gratuitous creatures. We seek approval from others, we like to treat ourselves, and we want people to treat us a certain way. I have always been the type that seeks approval from others whether it's a compliment on looking good or a congratulations, great job kind of thing. I've never really given myself the approval. I always find the things to nitpick at such as my thunder thighs, belly pooch, or after wave (flabby underarms) as Mama Doreen calls them. I pick at my schoolwork, I pick at my job performance, and I pick at my wardrobe.

Counseling is changing all of that. It's honestly been the give I have ever given myself. I go 2x a month for an hour - hour and a half each time. We discuss everything in intimate detail and you would think with me being as open as I am that it would be easy. But divulging every detail of your life to another human being and exploring the core reasons for the cognitive distortions (irrational thoughts) is extremely hard. It makes you feel vulnerable and naked. It brings about an awareness that you aren't necessarily ready for. It exposes you for who you really are and who you want to be. It is truly therapeutic because it helps you to release all of this stuff that has been festering inside of you. It helps to say everything that you are thinking, feeling, and wanting to say out loud without judgment and retribution. It helps you to look deep inside of yourself and ask yourself Why am I here? What got me here? What can I do to get out of this spot?

I'm so glad that I have decided to get counseling as part of my self-help project. I want to be the best person that I can be. I want to be someone that I can be proud of. I don't care about anyone else at this point. I want to be able to say that I am proud of what I've done, who I am, and what I will do in the future. I want to discover every part of myself and figure out what it is that makes me tick and will keep me ticking for years to come. This journey I'm taking isn't for the faint of heart. It requires gut wrenching honesty, a lot of tears, and hours of reflection. But at the end of the day, nothing has been worth what this process is worth. I will cherish this time in my time and always remember when I took back control of my life and lived it for me and no one else.

30 Day Shred...take two!

Yeah yeah I'm sure y'all are thinking "She just posted back in October how she was on day two and doing fantastic, blah blah blah". And I wouldn't blame you for thinking that. How many times in the last six months have I said I'm ready to get back on the weight loss train and not gotten back on? How many times have I said I'm going to get back to the gym and not done it? Ugh too many times for me to keep track of at this point and I'm exhausted with the merry-go-round myself. And it's high time that I get off of it and run with this new motivation. I am going to kick my butt for the next 30 days. Jillian Michaels, martial arts, Zumba, and running will not get the best of me. I will do this. I will jump start my weight loss again. I will show this merry-go-round who is boss. My goal is 10 lbs for these next 30 days...let's get to it!

Big decisions

You know those decisions that have to be made, but you don't really want to make them? I've had one of those come up recently and it's caused me massive amounts of anxiety for a few reasons.
1) Selling a house in a tanked economy = a potential loss
2) Finishing up school in a year and a half means job applications and possible relocation for a job in your field.
3) Moving home during school and then facing a potential second move a year later means money
4) An internship that causes you to quit a big girl job that pays the bills causes you to reevaluate every financial decision you've ever made.

With all of that said the decision I've come to is this: I'm not moving back to WV. This decision has cost me a lot of lost sleep, tears, and fights with my self (yes I yell at myself...don't judge). I wanted to move home because I miss my family, I miss my friends, and well life events have occurred that caused me to think about why I'm not living closer to home. I am missing precious life moments of my nieces and nephews. I am missing precious moments of time spent with my beloved family and friends. However, I have to look at the big picture and that picture in reality. Even if I were to move closer to home I would still miss out on events due to work, school, and life in general. Sadly I don't get paid to be a social butterfly and therefore must maintain a real, big girl job. Living closer to home would not guarantee that I wouldn't miss out on birthdays, showers, holidays, etc. It would just mean that physically I would be closer. To be honest, I think I see my family more now than when I lived in WV. Sad, but true.

Given the economy it's just not a good time to move. Given where I'm at in life (a year and a half from graduation) it's not a good time to move. And the reasons I moved away are still valid. I wanted to find me. I wanted to find my voice away from everyone I have known since birth. I'm still on that mission. Granted, I have found me but with the curve balls life has thrown I've become a slightly meaker version of that woman. I want that verocity back and I'm working on it. I will use this year to save more money, continue on my journey of self-discovery, and figure out where I want this life to take me. If it takes me home to the hills of WV I will be thrilled, but if not I will continue to find joy in the moments that I can sneak away on those country roads to laugh with my friends, live through the memories, and love my family more than I did the day before.

More than numbers

I hate when you go to the doctor's office and the first thing they do is weigh you. Why can't that be the last thing they do? Because after the height, weight, blah blah blah it makes me feel like a bunch of numbers. Last I checked my height didn't define me, but for those that care to know I am exactly 5'1.5" of fun-sized fun. And the other number isn't relevant to anyone but me, and really it shouldn't even be relevant to me. Because I am more than the number on the scale and the number on the scale just confirms what I already see in the mirror. I am overweight. I am completely 100% aware of this. I do not need anyone else to confirm it by commenting on what I eat (or rather don't eat) or noting what size jeans I wear. The number on the scale isn't relevant. However, how I feel about how I look and how I feel overall is relevant. I don't feel healthy in any way, shape, or form. I haven't felt healthy since high school and even then I wasn't the healthiest girl in the school. But I sure felt better then than I do now and it's no one's fault but my own. I own all of my numbers and I'm going to share a few of them with the blogging world.

Arms: 15 inches
Calves: 17 inches
Thighs: 29 inches
Hips: 48 inches
Belly: 45 inches
Chest: 36 1/2
Waist: 36 1/2

For those comparing my numbers to the "perfect" body I've got at least one of the 36-24-36 desired measurements down and who knew in high school that would ever happen?! I am not looking to achieve that perfect or ideal body either. I want to be healthy for me. I want to reach a goal weight that I'm happy with and not one that a chart on a doctor's office wall tells me I should be. I have hips, thighs, and a chest that outdoes most Hooter's girls and I love my curves. I just want them to be smaller curves. That's not too much to ask right?

I'm shooting for a goal weight of 140 and then I'll reevaluate once I get there. I have mini goals set for myself as well. From my heaviest, I have lost a total of 21 lbs. My next goal is to hit 30 lbs. I want to see a change in the pictures that I'll be taking (and *gulp* posting) every month. I know that I can do this. I am more committed than ever to losing the weight, losing the inches, and keeping this off. The first step is getting your head in the game, right? Well I'm on step two and the only place to go is forward. I hope you can keep up!

January 2011 Pictures

Born to stand out

I hear many people say that they are going to become a better them, a healthier them, a new improved them. But how many of them actually have a plan to do anything about it? How many actually do A,B, and C to make the changes that are necessary to be a new improved version of themselves? Given that not many people follow through with their New Year's resolutions I would say not many have a solid plan. However, I have a plan. It's a detailed plan too, because I'm a planner and a list maker and organize like it's my job. I am going to list my plan here so that I have my followers and friends to keep me accountable for what I say I'm going to do. So here goes.

1) Attend bi-weekly counseling sessions. Today was session #2 and my counselor already has me thinking and evaluating and working on "homework" each session. It's great accountability for me.
2) Get myself on a regular sleeping schedule. Bedtime is 11:30 and rise and shine is 6:30. An early rise and shine guarantees that I'll have time to relax and prep for the day and thoroughly enjoy my morning cup of hot tea (tiny bit of sugar, little bit of Creme Brulee creamer = perfection).
3) Get back into a workout routine. My goal for my 6:30 wake up call is to squeeze in a morning workout session courtesy of Jillian Michael's and the 30 Day Shred. I have had this issue this past year of starting something, getting 3-4 days in, and then quitting. Not this time. I WILL finish one 30 day round with Jillian and then go from there. Day one starts tomorrow!
4) Save more money! With my taxes I will be paying off two out of three credit cards and a part of the third, which will save me some extra every month. I also don't watch cable, or at least haven't since I've gotten Netflix. It's $50 a month that I'm throwing away. It will be canceled tomorrow. I am going to be big girl jobless come January 2012 for my internship and every penny saved now is a penny that can pay some bills come January.
5) Get to work on my house. I have some painting to do, small repairs to make, and maintenance cleaning to do. I keep putting it off and well it's not doing me any good and only makes me feel lazy when I look at the minor things I want to do.
6) Stop giving more than I get from the intimate relationships in my life. I know what I deserve and it's more than I've been settling for in the past. I am making a promise to myself to not do that EVER again.
7) Make myself a priority again. I was at the top of my game and doing so well and finally getting comfortable in my own skin. Due to unforseen circumstances I lost my focus, but it's back and I will no longer let myself not be a priority. It's full steam ahead! So either get on board or get out of my way!

I can and I will do this. I have to do this for myself. If I can't love me then how can I expect anyone else to love me? I was born to stand out and that's exactly what this year is all about!

Woman on a Mission

I'm that person who you can come to with any issue, any dilemma, any question and I will be honest with you. I won't judge you and I won't assume that I know everything, but I will be real and honest because as my friend I think you deserve the truth. I don't believe in sugar coating because what does that really do? Sugar coating may help you to feel all warm and gooey inside, but it's short and fleeting and in the end you still feel insecure about whatever it was. I lost that part of me with the most recent guy I was seeing and it's one of my favorite parts about myself. It's one of the favorite qualities of me that my closest friends love. But for some reason I didn't show that part of me with him out of fear, insecurity, I'm not really sure. I hate that I lost part of myself again.

Those of you who have been in my life for the last two years know how much I have worked to get back to me after two break-ups that left me broken-hearted. I finally started focusing on me for the first time in ever. I was losing weight and taking part in things that I loved including volunteering and finding a new church and living life to the fullest. In the past seven months I've gotten very off track. I would love to blame it on reasons out of my control, but let's be honest. I can't control life's circumstances but I can control how I react to them. I've reacted poorly. I stopped working out, I've resorted to taking naps after work (I'm OK with the indulgence of naps on the weekends when I have nothing else to do), and I have said no to spending time with friends when normally I would never do that.

All of that has to stop and I'm working on it. I recently started counseling to delve into the pathology behind my issues, mainly self-esteem issues that have been present my entire life. I have to stop trying to save the men in my life from their past disappointments. I realize there is a theme in my past relationships and it stops with the last guy. It's time that I let a guy prove to to me that he is worth my attention and love. It's time to prove to myself that I'm worth the attention and love. It starts today and this time it will continue on for the rest of my life. I'm a woman on a mission to truly love me for me and nothing will stop me this time.