30 Day Shred -- Day 2

From February 2009-November 2009 I lost 30 lbs. I couldn't have been more proud of myself. I had never lost that much weight in my life. Between November and April I lost six more. Between now and then I have fluctuated. I lost weight, I gained, I lost weight, and have gained back approximately four lbs. Four lbs. gained back in the last year isn't so bad when you look at the big picture, but considering how far I've come it's a big deal. Somewhere in the last six months I've lost my motivation. I lost what pushed me to lose the weight in the first place. I had all of these goals set and haven't tried to reach them in months.

But last week I said enough is enough. I started back into the gym and trying to eat less junk and really pushing myself again. Yesterday I started the 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels. For someone who was jogging four days a week for months I thought 20 minutes will be no big deal. Boy was I kidding myself. I forgot to factor in that I haven't really been to the gym on a regular basis since April. Six months of very little physical training after intense physical training definitely takes its toll on your muscles, joints, heart, and lungs. Day two and I'm SORE! My legs, back, arms, and abs all hurt. But it's the kind of pain that lets you know you're doing something right. No pain no gain, right? At least that's my motto to get through the next 28 days of this workout. Who knows if all goes well I may even do a second round of the 30 Day Shred. Stay tuned for updates on how this goes. Plus I need the motivation to keep going :)

My confessions

I think it's safe to say that everyone has gone through some rough patches in their life. I am no different than everyone else living in this world. I've had my share of pain and heartbreak. I've loved and lost more times than I care to count. I've made some poor choices when it comes to the men that I've allowed to "care" about me. This is something that I realize and I don't need to be reminded of that. Some of the things I've been through have been traumatizing enough and thus why I called a therapist. As a future counselor myself I felt it important (as do my professors) that I get into therapy for the issues that I currently have. I have been telling myself that I want to get counseling, but thought that I was better at handling my issues than I really am. It wasn't until recently, when I realized that I was transferring my issues onto someone else, that I knew I needed it.

The therapist called me back today and it's hard admitting to someone that you have abandonment issues because of past relationships. It's hard to admit that you have such deeply rooted self-esteem issues that you feel you'll never pull yourself out of this self-degrading hole. It's hard to admit that you have only cried once since your grandfather died because you feel that sadness is a useless emotion when it comes to death. It's hard to admit that you carry a suitcase full of resentment towards your sibling for their drug use and the effect it's had on the family.

If I'm ever going to heal and move forward then I must admit that and more. I don't want to keep doubting myself or putting myself down. I don't want to harbor this resentment. I want to be OK with crying when a loved one dies. I don't want to lose this person that I feel has potential for something greater than I could have ever imagined, and that's a real potential if I don't control my fears and insecurities. Change has to start somewhere and for me it starts here in this blog. I'm glad that I'm not alone in this journey, because it's going to be a wild ride.