Monday, January 17, 2011

The best gift for yourself

I know that humans are by nature gratuitous creatures. We seek approval from others, we like to treat ourselves, and we want people to treat us a certain way. I have always been the type that seeks approval from others whether it's a compliment on looking good or a congratulations, great job kind of thing. I've never really given myself the approval. I always find the things to nitpick at such as my thunder thighs, belly pooch, or after wave (flabby underarms) as Mama Doreen calls them. I pick at my schoolwork, I pick at my job performance, and I pick at my wardrobe.

Counseling is changing all of that. It's honestly been the give I have ever given myself. I go 2x a month for an hour - hour and a half each time. We discuss everything in intimate detail and you would think with me being as open as I am that it would be easy. But divulging every detail of your life to another human being and exploring the core reasons for the cognitive distortions (irrational thoughts) is extremely hard. It makes you feel vulnerable and naked. It brings about an awareness that you aren't necessarily ready for. It exposes you for who you really are and who you want to be. It is truly therapeutic because it helps you to release all of this stuff that has been festering inside of you. It helps to say everything that you are thinking, feeling, and wanting to say out loud without judgment and retribution. It helps you to look deep inside of yourself and ask yourself Why am I here? What got me here? What can I do to get out of this spot?

I'm so glad that I have decided to get counseling as part of my self-help project. I want to be the best person that I can be. I want to be someone that I can be proud of. I don't care about anyone else at this point. I want to be able to say that I am proud of what I've done, who I am, and what I will do in the future. I want to discover every part of myself and figure out what it is that makes me tick and will keep me ticking for years to come. This journey I'm taking isn't for the faint of heart. It requires gut wrenching honesty, a lot of tears, and hours of reflection. But at the end of the day, nothing has been worth what this process is worth. I will cherish this time in my time and always remember when I took back control of my life and lived it for me and no one else.

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