Friday, October 15, 2010
I think it's safe to say that everyone has gone through some rough patches in their life. I am no different than everyone else living in this world. I've had my share of pain and heartbreak. I've loved and lost more times than I care to count. I've made some poor choices when it comes to the men that I've allowed to "care" about me. This is something that I realize and I don't need to be reminded of that. Some of the things I've been through have been traumatizing enough and thus why I called a therapist. As a future counselor myself I felt it important (as do my professors) that I get into therapy for the issues that I currently have. I have been telling myself that I want to get counseling, but thought that I was better at handling my issues than I really am. It wasn't until recently, when I realized that I was transferring my issues onto someone else, that I knew I needed it.
The therapist called me back today and it's hard admitting to someone that you have abandonment issues because of past relationships. It's hard to admit that you have such deeply rooted self-esteem issues that you feel you'll never pull yourself out of this self-degrading hole. It's hard to admit that you have only cried once since your grandfather died because you feel that sadness is a useless emotion when it comes to death. It's hard to admit that you carry a suitcase full of resentment towards your sibling for their drug use and the effect it's had on the family.
If I'm ever going to heal and move forward then I must admit that and more. I don't want to keep doubting myself or putting myself down. I don't want to harbor this resentment. I want to be OK with crying when a loved one dies. I don't want to lose this person that I feel has potential for something greater than I could have ever imagined, and that's a real potential if I don't control my fears and insecurities. Change has to start somewhere and for me it starts here in this blog. I'm glad that I'm not alone in this journey, because it's going to be a wild ride.