Ok so one of my very dearest friends does this thing called NANO every year. She writes a short novel (50,000 words) in JUST November. She started it as a competition with a friend and has just kept it up ever since. I LOVE her books, and since we are such good friends I'm typically one of the main characters. This year was no different, but I also didn't know what she was writing about. She wouldn't give me many details about it.
Well I sat down to read it last night and in it I'm dating the dbag from 2 years ago, and she writes about some of the details of our relationship and then of course our break up when I realize what a lying scumbag he was. And it was so hard to go through those emotions again. The let down, the disappointment, the hurt, the anger EVERYTHING! And then I realized how dumb I really was for believing all the crap he said and did!
And it just got me to thinking was I REALLY that pathetic and needing to be loved? Was I really that naive to believe all the lies? How weak was I to NOT walk away when I started suspecting he was lying to me? I was so mad at myself last night and I've been mad at myself for the last two years for letting myself go through that and then what I went through this past February finding out the extent of all the lies! I'm mad that I wasted so much life energy and time waiting on him and "loving" him when I could have been moving on with my life. And there was a lot more that I was feeling, but I'm trying to keep this SOMEWHAT short.
I'm thankful in ways because I am stronger and much more independent than I was. And he lead me to some of the greatest girls ever, so I am forever grateful to that relationship. But I have such horrible trust issues now and I worry that NO guy will be able to break through. Stephen started to and then left me more scarred than before! I feel like such damaged goods now! And he is already moved on...knocked up someone else! They are going to have the little family that I want more than anything and it just doesn't seem fair that he gets to be "happy" (I put that in quotations b/c I know he'll screw this one up too) when he's hurt so many other people! And I wonder if I am ever going to get my happy ending to be honest! I sometimes feel like that isn't in God's plan for me for whatever reason! I treat people well, I live an honest life, and I'm SUPER happy for the most part. But today I just feel like it's not fair that he's moved on and I'm still searching!
but I LOVE it!! I was driving to work today and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that I am FINALLY happy being me. I still have work to do (ie: losing more weight), but love me or hate me I'm gonna be me! I'm not gonna be ashamed to act like the dork I am, or be happy all the time, or apologize for my views and being a Christian (which I don't anyway but y'all get my drift ). It hit me today that things with the exes didn't work out because I wasn't happy with me! I wasn't happy with who I was and so I just jumped head first into a relationship with the first guy who showed interest in me, whether it was healthy for me or not! I felt like I needed to do that because I wanted to feel wanted!
