I don't know what lightbulb clicked on...

but I LOVE it!! I was driving to work today and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that I am FINALLY happy being me. I still have work to do (ie: losing more weight), but love me or hate me I'm gonna be me! I'm not gonna be ashamed to act like the dork I am, or be happy all the time, or apologize for my views and being a Christian (which I don't anyway but y'all get my drift ). It hit me today that things with the exes didn't work out because I wasn't happy with me! I wasn't happy with who I was and so I just jumped head first into a relationship with the first guy who showed interest in me, whether it was healthy for me or not! I felt like I needed to do that because I wanted to feel wanted!

But today I realized that I'm simply happy being me. I have a great life with great friends, family, and a job that while I'm not always happy with has provided for me nicely! I'm not perfect...I know I have my flaws. But I DO NOT need anyone to complete me. I'm complete as is! It would be nice to find someone to compliment me and until I find that I'm NOT settling!

Life isn't always fair!

Ok so one of my very dearest friends does this thing called NANO every year. She writes a short novel (50,000 words) in JUST November. She started it as a competition with a friend and has just kept it up ever since. I LOVE her books, and since we are such good friends I'm typically one of the main characters. This year was no different, but I also didn't know what she was writing about. She wouldn't give me many details about it.

Well I sat down to read it last night and in it I'm dating the dbag from 2 years ago, and she writes about some of the details of our relationship and then of course our break up when I realize what a lying scumbag he was. And it was so hard to go through those emotions again. The let down, the disappointment, the hurt, the anger EVERYTHING! And then I realized how dumb I really was for believing all the crap he said and did!

And it just got me to thinking was I REALLY that pathetic and needing to be loved? Was I really that naive to believe all the lies? How weak was I to NOT walk away when I started suspecting he was lying to me? I was so mad at myself last night and I've been mad at myself for the last two years for letting myself go through that and then what I went through this past February finding out the extent of all the lies! I'm mad that I wasted so much life energy and time waiting on him and "loving" him when I could have been moving on with my life. And there was a lot more that I was feeling, but I'm trying to keep this SOMEWHAT short.

I'm thankful in ways because I am stronger and much more independent than I was. And he lead me to some of the greatest girls ever, so I am forever grateful to that relationship. But I have such horrible trust issues now and I worry that NO guy will be able to break through. Stephen started to and then left me more scarred than before! I feel like such damaged goods now! And he is already moved on...knocked up someone else! They are going to have the little family that I want more than anything and it just doesn't seem fair that he gets to be "happy" (I put that in quotations b/c I know he'll screw this one up too) when he's hurt so many other people! And I wonder if I am ever going to get my happy ending to be honest! I sometimes feel like that isn't in God's plan for me for whatever reason! I treat people well, I live an honest life, and I'm SUPER happy for the most part. But today I just feel like it's not fair that he's moved on and I'm still searching!

Reflection

I've been reflecting on my life a great deal since last week. I have been reflecting on the good and the bad. Some days when I get down it is so hard to remind myself of all that I have done in my 26 years. I have done much more than some do in a lifetime. I thought for my own sake that it would be a fantastical idea to make a running list of my accomplishments so when I do get down, feel less like myself, or simply need a reminder I can log on here and there they will be for me in plain sight...I won't be able to avoid all that I've accomplished thus far in my life!


1. Moved out on my own when I was 18, and have been on my own since.

2. Held a full time job and a full school load and still managed to pull in a 3.3 GPA.

3. Worked 100 plus hours a week my last semester of school and survived!

4. I have quite a few friendships that I have maintained all of my life.

5. I bought my first car when I was 20...ALL BY MYSELF!

6. I got the first big girl I interviewed for!

7. I moved to the great state of Tennessee all by my lonesome 9 months after graduating college.

8. I got promoted to full time counselor within 6 weeks, and that rarely happens at my company.

9. I got promoted again 8 months later to the job I currently hold.

10. 10 months after moving to Tennessee I bought my first house!

11. I moved to another new city knowing no one and quickly made some great friends!

12. 7 months later I bought my first brand new car...I love my Maggie :)

13. In 5 months I managed to lose 25 lbs

14. I have made quite a name for myself in the area because of my dedication to my job

15. I have a dozen close friends that know just about everything about me, and considering most don't even have 5 close friends I consider this A BIG DEAL!

16. I completed 18 hours of Grad School while working full time and have a 3.85 GPA to show for it!

17. I am continually trying to improve my life and the life of those around me...I may not save the world, but I'll give 'er hell trying!

Photo taken from: http://emats.deviantart.com/art/Resistance-133956864

This image pretty much sums up my work week this week...I am drowning in a sea of paperwork and phone calls. End of the month always kills me because I have contact notes, phone calls, and the Bugle (our monthly newsletter) to get out. This week makes me wonder why I took this job so I just have to recite my mantra: It's for the kids, it's for the kids, it's for the kids! If you hear me complain, please recite my mantra back to me because it's possible I need another reminder! Thanks so much :)

I can picture this in my head now...a day spent laying on the beach, splashing in the warm tropical water, and reading my new book of the week which currently happens to be Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin (who I happen to adore). If you haven't read any of her books, you need to run to your closest book store and pick up ANYTHING by her. I promise you will not be disappointed.

Today is one of those days when I want nothing more than to be laying on the beach and enjoying the warm sunshine as it shines down on my face. It has been FREEZING in the office all day today. I am literally typing this wearing a sweater (yeah a SWEATER). The central digital says 73, but uh yeah it has to be wrong. It feels like a frigid 65 in this place today. But I digress. I am going to finish up some paperwork, go for a run, and then settle into my chair on my backporch and get swept away by my book.

Laughter is contagious

I love these kind of laughs...they are so carefree. This kind of laughing is the reason I wake up in the morning, and can't wait to spend time with my friends. This picture also makes me want to put on a dress and run through a field as the wind runs through my hair and the sun shines down on me.