You did what?!

Yes, I deactivated my Facebook and before anyone freaks out it's just temporary. I have a lot on my mind and a lot going on and right now I don't need the additional information flow. The last time I was in this kind of mood I went and deleted 328 friends from my page and I'm still trying to get those people back eight months later, some of which I really cared about. So...to save me the headache of trying to find all of those people again I'm just going to deactivate it for a little bit. I'm not sure how long of a break I'm going to take, just that I'm taking a break. I'm sure it won't be long, but y'all know how to get a hold of me if you want to talk or give me updates on life (and some of y'all better be giving me updates considering there are some expected baby arrivals soon)!

I didn't pass out...

So my exes birthday is coming up in three days. Birthdays are a big deal to me. I just think it's a day that should be remembered and celebrated. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and thinking "You should message him. You should tell him happy birthday". So I decided today that I was just going to do it and see what happened. I wasn't sure if he would respond or not, because well he got a not so nice email a few months back telling him everything I held back, feelings wise) while we were together (I missed him one night and the feelings were overwhelming so I needed to get it out).

Anyways, I messaged him this morning and we'ved exchanged a few texts messages back and forth now. I haven't had a meltdown. I haven't passed out. I haven't had any overwhelming feelings at all. It feels good to have a conversation with him and not have any super strong feelings one way or another, which a month ago I couldn't have said the same. Like I said in my post yesterday, I still have days where I miss him. I had a little ping of that today while we were texting, but it was nothing compared to the longing that I once felt. I don't miss him so much that it hurts anymore.

Processing with someone who is completely unbiased is something I highly recommend to everyone. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a motive behind me messaging him today instead of on the actual day of his birth. I had a therapy session today. I knew, for my own sanity, that I needed to do it today just in case I did make a downward spiral into missing him, which would inevitably turn into focusing on what went wrong and how things could have been so different. Instead, I got to revel in the bliss of my progress in therapy with my counselor. It's good to see that the goals I set for myself in my first couple sessions are coming to fruition. I am becoming the me that I've always wanted to be, and let me tell you it feels pretty darn good!

It's OK to miss him...

I've often thought that society puts too much pressure on us to live the life that they want us to live. A life where "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger", which means that you just have to pick up and move on. But moving on, in any sense of the word, isn't easy. Take for instance a move, the most literal sense of the word. One has to sort through everything that they want to keep or throw away. Once you do that it's time to pack all of your belongings into boxes, put them on the moving truck, pray that your belongings make it there all in one piece, unload, unpack, and reorganize everything back to where you want it to be in your new house.

Relationships endings are much the same. One has to decide what you want to keep as memories from the relationships, whether pictures or the stupid hat you bought on vacation. Once you make that decision, it's time to start packing away parts of the relationship. No you're no longer in a relationship, what was once an RSVP for two is now an RSVP for one, and rituals that once existed no longer do. You then have to put yourself on that truck with your belongings, not the "we" belongings, and move on to your next destination where you will then have to start over again. There will be prayers, begging, pleading, and tears as you make the move and as you hope that you arrive safely and in one piece. Feelings that you buried will be found, much like possessions are found in random places (I once found a cherished hand me down in a garbage can). New feelings will emerge to replace emotions that are fleeting with time. And you'll slowly put your life back together again. Much like a literal move, an emotional move isn't easy, but it's one that you will survive with hopefully a few minor bruises and smashed thumbs.

One of the most helpful things that my counselor told me was this "It's OK to miss him". I've found, for the last few days, that I really miss my ex. I can pinpoint it to this: today makes one year since we met and on the 27th is his birthday. He's on my mind a lot for these two very reasons. I wanted to be spending this day together and obviously birthdays are important to me and I was hoping that I'd at least be the first and last to tell him to have a great birthday and that I loved him. It's hard not celebrating our one year of knowing each other together and what's harder is not talking to him, even though all I wanted six weeks ago was for him to not message me so that I could move on (funny how that works, huh)? It's OK though. I'm not going to feel bad about missing him. I am not going to ask myself "why aren't you over this already"? I am as over it as one person can be. There are going to be days, until I find someone else and feel those feelings again, that I miss him. There are going to be days where I wonder what could have been. There are going to be days that I struggle not messaging him or days where I do and maybe wish I hadn't. But I'm not going to let society, and the inner monologue I've built based on society, make me feel bad. Today, I miss him. Today, I would rather be with him than celebrating Easter alone. And you know, that's OK.

A cherished mother/daughter moment

So I know that you (my loyal blog readers) know that I have body image issues. Always have, probably always will. They have been getting better though and I've really been working on my self-image the last few months through my own work and through counseling. One of the issues my counselor and I discussed was that of my parents making comments about losing weight. I knew then I needed to lose weight, but I didn't need them telling me I need to lose weight or make any kind of comments about my pants not fitting, or that I'm getting as big as the girls I said I've never be as big as, or anything of the sort. The size on my jeans shouldn't have an effect on whether or not someone considers me beautiful, and that's how I always felt.

Anyways, my counselor and I discussed having a conversation with my mama about it because I never want my nieces or nephews to feel like I did when I started putting on weight. I didn't want to have the conversation with my mama about it because I didn't want her to feel bad about comments that she's made in the past, but like my counselor and I discussed this wasn't about HER it was about ME and what I needed to do for my healing process. I finally got up the nerve to talk to her about it last night and she apologized then and said she never meant to make me feel that having extra weight meant that I was less beautiful. That was enough for me to make me feel better about it and calmed some of the crazy thoughts in my head.

They left today and not 30 minutes after they left I get this text message from her "Please forgive me for making you feel less than you are. You are one of the most beautiful women I know. Perfect in every way. I strive to be like you. I love you". Gah I'm tearing up rewriting it. It honestly was exactly what I needed to hear from her. My heart is so full right now and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just from the conversation we had. I'm so glad that I talked to her about it.

March wrap-up

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged, especially because I've had a lot to say in the last few weeks. My counselor and I discussed me journaling or blogging every day between sessions and I just haven't done it until today. There has been so much going on and so much to be thankful for these past few weeks.

My birthday was March 21st and I turned a young 28. It's hard to believe that in just two years I will be the big 3-0. I sometimes look at my life and think what have I accomplished in 28 years, but I've done a lot that many my age haven't done. I've traveled pretty extensively, granted not out of the country but I have seen almost 25 of our great states in the US. California will make 25 in June and I couldn't be more excited even if I have to make the trip alone. It is going to be such a fun adventure (and hopefully a safe one too). I bought a house. I've gone white water rafting and will hopefully be skydiving this summer. I've loved and lost and loved again. I've got my groove back these days. I've made dozens of friends that I consider close confidants and more like family than friends. And I've made a difference in hundreds of kids lives whether it was imparting some minor wisdom that I've learned over the years or spending time with them when no one else wanted to.

For my birthday I got to see the Harlem Globetrotters play with three of my dearest friends and we had such a great time. I feel so incredibly blessed with the friends that I have and that when I tell them they are going to spend my day with me they happily agree (this includes you Jamie...don't pretend). I have been wanting to see them for such a long time and thanks to one of my awesome mentors she was able to score me four free tickets. So not only did I get to see them, but I got to see them FOR FREE!! If you have never seen them, and like laughing, I definitely suggest taking in a show. It is fun to be had by all in attendance.

Kayla came down to see me and that was such an incredible trip and week with her. I cried when she had to get back on a plane from Charlotte. We got to spend time visiting with some great friends, eating good food (considering her terrible morning sickness this was GREAT), laughing, talking, and seeing the sights of the south. I think the trip really sold her on the beauty and hospitality of those in the South, because let's be honest there really is no place like the Southern US.

Counseling is going well and I feel like I'm making some great progress in the goals that I set for myself before going into therapy. I am a much more open person in relationships with the opposite sex, whereas I have kind of always taken a backseat to the guys and let them lead. Damn the "rules" and expectations that society has placed on women when it comes to relationships. I am going to do things my way from now on. If I like a guy I'm going to tell him. If I want to be with him I'm going to tell him. If I think he's not right for me for one reason or another I'm going to tell him. And if he's being a jerk, too clingy, needy, or whatever I will tell him. I refuse to settle this time around. I refuse to do what I've always done in past relationships. If he doesn't like me for me, then he's not the right guy for me. I have to be true to myself. I have to not doubt myself. If I see red flags I have to do what is best for me. The old me would have brushed the red flags aside and gone with it anyway because I was afraid of not ever finding love with anyone else. But those fears are gone. I don't care if it takes until I'm 60 to find the right guy for me. It takes as long as it takes. Until that time, I am going to do right by me and live for myself. Because until someone comes along that can keep up and handle me at my best and worst, I am the only person that matters.

OUCH and an update!

I am so sore today. My back, my legs, my abs...especially my abs. I have been doing this workout for a week now, which consists of 30 minutes walking/jogging/running, abs, and stretching. I have had mild soreness, but today I'm hurting. And maybe it's because I took the weekend off and was a complete slub, and by that I mean I cleaned house and did homework and slept all weekend. We all deserve those weekends, right? I guess the lack of exercise is hitting me today. Grr! I guess it just means that I'll have "fun" working out the kinks tonight with my run.

Now on to the update...I am officially 8 lbs down this past month!!! Get this girl some balloons and hold the cake! It feels good to be back on the weight loss train after so many months of missing it as it pulled away from the station. However, I am back and it's full steam ahead. It makes me feel like I can do this again and I WILL get past my plateau weight this time. It's just going to take a lot of dedication and will power to get there. Just three more pounds to go and I can officially say I'm back to 30 lbs. lost. And then it's on to my next goal of five lbs to break my plateau weight from before. How are y'all doing on your goals and weight loss?

Counseling is going well. I am still going every two weeks and he's really helping me to find my confidence. I have always had body issues, and still have them. But I'm not so worried about what guys think of my body at this stage in the game. Yes, I still have my moments before meeting someone for the first time. I wonder if he's going to instantly not like me because I have a belly pooch or a little extra padding on my thighs. But I just talk those things away. Because I know that "the one" for me won't judge me based on the extra fluff I have. He's going to love me for who I am and what I bring to the relationship and not whether I have a six pack of abs (although I'd know I would rock those things like no one's business) LOL.

Sleep schedule...this makes me laugh. If I could actually get my butt to sleep by 11:30 it would be a miracle. It doesn't matter if I bust my butt at work, then have a great workout, and do homework before bed because I'm still not getting to sleep by 11:30. I'm just not a person who requires a lot of sleep, but it would be nice to have a more "normal" sleep schedule. Sigh...at that to the list of not normal things about me.

Life is getting better. It's a nice change from where I was two months ago. It's not been easy and actually has been really hard so far, but I'm loving the direction I'm headed and only see bright things on the horizon!

5K bound!

So two years ago I started training for a 5K for my company, Youth Villages. It would have been my first 5K and I was soo pumped about doing it. The week before the race I got my time to just under 40 minutes for 3.2 miles. I know it doesn't seem like a huge accomplishment because that has me running a 12ish minute mile, but for my little legs and the extra weight on my body I'd say that's pretty darn good. However, not running for the last several months has me starting almost at square one. I had my first training day today and I got 1.4 miles in in 22 minutes. I am doing my own spin on the couch to 5K only because I'm not quite at square one. The goal is to run 4-5 days a week and fit some other workouts in there too. I'm going to start out with 30 minute jogs to build up. From there I'll build up in ten minute intervals.

I'm prone to shin splints so I've got to take it slow and steady and make sure that I'm giving my legs plenty of rest and stretching and love. Shin splints kept me from doing as well as I hoped with training last time, but I think because I went all out and didn't take care of myself the way I should. This time around I know what I need to do. I have the ice and biofreeze ready if need be. Keep pushing me guys. I'm going to need the motivation. Oh and feel free to stop by my page and donate to my efforts for Youth Villages. Here is the link http://support.youthvillages.org/goto/JesslynMcGlumphy