Bad decisions

I think we've all made bad decisions in life. Some people regret their bad decisions, some would rather forget them, and some choose to learn from their bad decisions. I am one of those that chooses to learn from my mistakes and bad decisions, including the decisions I've made regarding the guys that I consider significant relationships. Some of the relationships were brief, some were not. Some had great emotion attached to the relationship and others didn't. Let me explain. We'll start with my first love. We were friends, talked on and off about dating when one of us was single, finally got our shot, and we blew it. Our actual dating relationship was all of three months, but the love was there and it was five years in the making. He'll always hold a special place in my heart as most first loves do. My worst relationship was 13 months, but I wasn't in love with him. I liked him a lot and we talked about a future, but I never had the overwhelming feelings of love that I had for my first love or the most recent failure. But that relationship left the deepest wounds. I was lied to A LOT. I was cheated on. And did I mention that I was lied to A LOT? I wasn't sure I'd ever heal from that relationship. But here I am, stronger than ever. I've learned more from that one relationship than I have from all the others combined.

The last relationship was a relationship that was doomed from the beginning to be honest, but I got sucked in like I always do and refused to ignore that voice inside my head that said "You promised yourself you wouldn't date another guy fresh out of a relationship". I told that voice to shut up and that came back to bite me in the ass. But what did I learn? That I've come to realize when a guy is ready and when he's not and to tell him to hit the road if he's not. I am firm in who I am. I know what I want. I'm ready to settle down and have the life of mama and wife. I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve. Does that make me cocky? I don't think so. I think it means that I'm a strong, confident woman who realizes that she's worth fighting for when times get tough, more kisses than there are stars in the sky, and a deeper love than some will ever know. I refuse to believe that the guy for me isn't out there and until he comes along I'll keep learning from my mistakes and hoping that love is just around the corner.

Getting to know me #1

I was thinking last night that I have some blog followers who don't really know me. You're following my life changing journey and yet what do you really know about me except that I'm overweight, I have no cable, and I'm in counseling for some past/current issues? So from time to time I'm going to post some insights into what makes me, well me! Today is your first insight.

1) I like to drink orange juice with my pizza. I'm not quite sure why, but if I'm eating pizza I'm probably drinking orange juice.
2) I love pictures and I like to be surrounded by them so therefore I have them all over my walls in my house. Everywhere you look you'll see my family, friends, and me sharing in some great memories.
3) I have to be cold when I sleep. Not sleeping in -5 below temperatures, but about a 65 degree temperature. If I'm hot I can't sleep and then I get cranky and me cranky sleepy is not a good time...trust me.
4) I don't eat vegetables, which makes this whole losing weight thing harder. I like peas, corn, and sometimes carrots (potatoes too but those aren't exactly ideal). I'll eat broccoli, mushrooms, or spinach if it's in small pieces and cooked in something. I HATE peppers. Gross!
5) I once punched an ex-boyfriend, right in the jaw, when he told me that he wasn't actually going through divorce but that they had an open relationship while he was away working. I don't condone physical aggression at all, but in this case it was justified and it felt good! And yes I did break up with him then and there.
6) I have a hard time picking a favorite author so my top three would be Jodi Picoult (pronounced Pea-coe), Nicholas Sparks, and Emily Giffin.
7) Seven is my favorite number so I'll probably do seven random facts about me at a time.

No cable equals ?

So in the quest to save money before I have to quit my big girl job (aka professional job) in January I canceled my cable on Monday morning. I haven't watched much of it, or at least I thought, in the last few months so I figured why not? Apparently I watched more than I thought. The last few days I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. Stuff that was typically waiting until the weekends that I was actually home to get done like laundry, cooking, and working out. I have been that woman that in the past has skipped going to the gym and just said "I'm just going to go home and work out". What do you think I actually did when I got home? If you said everything but work out you'd be correct (sorry no prizes for winning). I would watch TV, I'd play with Chloe (my adorable pooch who is definitely cuter than yours), play on Facebook, jump on a forum, or a million other things. However, not having the option to plop down in front of the TV has given me the motivation I needed to get on the ball with all the things that I'm wanting to get down around here.

The barrier to that is scheduling. As I write this I'm already currently behind what I was hoping would be my new set bedtime of 11:30. I have a horrible sleep schedule as of now. I go to bed between 12:30 and 1:00 and get up at 8:00, which is just enough time to get ready and get out the door to be at the office by 9:00. Sometimes I'll end up doing a little work from home first and then going into the office, but either way my sleeping schedule sucks. Add on me being a full-time graduate student and trying to date and be the best friend possible and well chaos is inevitable. So the only way I can get the chaos under control is planning, planning, and more planning. However, even the best laid plans go wrong (IE: blogging 15 minutes past bedtime) and so I must be dedicated and committed and willing to be honest with myself about where I'm getting off course. So, with that said it is time for bed. So I wish you all a goodnight and the sweetest dreams that one can dream.

The best gift for yourself

I know that humans are by nature gratuitous creatures. We seek approval from others, we like to treat ourselves, and we want people to treat us a certain way. I have always been the type that seeks approval from others whether it's a compliment on looking good or a congratulations, great job kind of thing. I've never really given myself the approval. I always find the things to nitpick at such as my thunder thighs, belly pooch, or after wave (flabby underarms) as Mama Doreen calls them. I pick at my schoolwork, I pick at my job performance, and I pick at my wardrobe.

Counseling is changing all of that. It's honestly been the give I have ever given myself. I go 2x a month for an hour - hour and a half each time. We discuss everything in intimate detail and you would think with me being as open as I am that it would be easy. But divulging every detail of your life to another human being and exploring the core reasons for the cognitive distortions (irrational thoughts) is extremely hard. It makes you feel vulnerable and naked. It brings about an awareness that you aren't necessarily ready for. It exposes you for who you really are and who you want to be. It is truly therapeutic because it helps you to release all of this stuff that has been festering inside of you. It helps to say everything that you are thinking, feeling, and wanting to say out loud without judgment and retribution. It helps you to look deep inside of yourself and ask yourself Why am I here? What got me here? What can I do to get out of this spot?

I'm so glad that I have decided to get counseling as part of my self-help project. I want to be the best person that I can be. I want to be someone that I can be proud of. I don't care about anyone else at this point. I want to be able to say that I am proud of what I've done, who I am, and what I will do in the future. I want to discover every part of myself and figure out what it is that makes me tick and will keep me ticking for years to come. This journey I'm taking isn't for the faint of heart. It requires gut wrenching honesty, a lot of tears, and hours of reflection. But at the end of the day, nothing has been worth what this process is worth. I will cherish this time in my time and always remember when I took back control of my life and lived it for me and no one else.

30 Day Shred...take two!

Yeah yeah I'm sure y'all are thinking "She just posted back in October how she was on day two and doing fantastic, blah blah blah". And I wouldn't blame you for thinking that. How many times in the last six months have I said I'm ready to get back on the weight loss train and not gotten back on? How many times have I said I'm going to get back to the gym and not done it? Ugh too many times for me to keep track of at this point and I'm exhausted with the merry-go-round myself. And it's high time that I get off of it and run with this new motivation. I am going to kick my butt for the next 30 days. Jillian Michaels, martial arts, Zumba, and running will not get the best of me. I will do this. I will jump start my weight loss again. I will show this merry-go-round who is boss. My goal is 10 lbs for these next 30 days...let's get to it!

Big decisions

You know those decisions that have to be made, but you don't really want to make them? I've had one of those come up recently and it's caused me massive amounts of anxiety for a few reasons.
1) Selling a house in a tanked economy = a potential loss
2) Finishing up school in a year and a half means job applications and possible relocation for a job in your field.
3) Moving home during school and then facing a potential second move a year later means money
4) An internship that causes you to quit a big girl job that pays the bills causes you to reevaluate every financial decision you've ever made.

With all of that said the decision I've come to is this: I'm not moving back to WV. This decision has cost me a lot of lost sleep, tears, and fights with my self (yes I yell at myself...don't judge). I wanted to move home because I miss my family, I miss my friends, and well life events have occurred that caused me to think about why I'm not living closer to home. I am missing precious life moments of my nieces and nephews. I am missing precious moments of time spent with my beloved family and friends. However, I have to look at the big picture and that picture in reality. Even if I were to move closer to home I would still miss out on events due to work, school, and life in general. Sadly I don't get paid to be a social butterfly and therefore must maintain a real, big girl job. Living closer to home would not guarantee that I wouldn't miss out on birthdays, showers, holidays, etc. It would just mean that physically I would be closer. To be honest, I think I see my family more now than when I lived in WV. Sad, but true.

Given the economy it's just not a good time to move. Given where I'm at in life (a year and a half from graduation) it's not a good time to move. And the reasons I moved away are still valid. I wanted to find me. I wanted to find my voice away from everyone I have known since birth. I'm still on that mission. Granted, I have found me but with the curve balls life has thrown I've become a slightly meaker version of that woman. I want that verocity back and I'm working on it. I will use this year to save more money, continue on my journey of self-discovery, and figure out where I want this life to take me. If it takes me home to the hills of WV I will be thrilled, but if not I will continue to find joy in the moments that I can sneak away on those country roads to laugh with my friends, live through the memories, and love my family more than I did the day before.

More than numbers

I hate when you go to the doctor's office and the first thing they do is weigh you. Why can't that be the last thing they do? Because after the height, weight, blah blah blah it makes me feel like a bunch of numbers. Last I checked my height didn't define me, but for those that care to know I am exactly 5'1.5" of fun-sized fun. And the other number isn't relevant to anyone but me, and really it shouldn't even be relevant to me. Because I am more than the number on the scale and the number on the scale just confirms what I already see in the mirror. I am overweight. I am completely 100% aware of this. I do not need anyone else to confirm it by commenting on what I eat (or rather don't eat) or noting what size jeans I wear. The number on the scale isn't relevant. However, how I feel about how I look and how I feel overall is relevant. I don't feel healthy in any way, shape, or form. I haven't felt healthy since high school and even then I wasn't the healthiest girl in the school. But I sure felt better then than I do now and it's no one's fault but my own. I own all of my numbers and I'm going to share a few of them with the blogging world.

Arms: 15 inches
Calves: 17 inches
Thighs: 29 inches
Hips: 48 inches
Belly: 45 inches
Chest: 36 1/2
Waist: 36 1/2

For those comparing my numbers to the "perfect" body I've got at least one of the 36-24-36 desired measurements down and who knew in high school that would ever happen?! I am not looking to achieve that perfect or ideal body either. I want to be healthy for me. I want to reach a goal weight that I'm happy with and not one that a chart on a doctor's office wall tells me I should be. I have hips, thighs, and a chest that outdoes most Hooter's girls and I love my curves. I just want them to be smaller curves. That's not too much to ask right?

I'm shooting for a goal weight of 140 and then I'll reevaluate once I get there. I have mini goals set for myself as well. From my heaviest, I have lost a total of 21 lbs. My next goal is to hit 30 lbs. I want to see a change in the pictures that I'll be taking (and *gulp* posting) every month. I know that I can do this. I am more committed than ever to losing the weight, losing the inches, and keeping this off. The first step is getting your head in the game, right? Well I'm on step two and the only place to go is forward. I hope you can keep up!

January 2011 Pictures