Born to stand out

I hear many people say that they are going to become a better them, a healthier them, a new improved them. But how many of them actually have a plan to do anything about it? How many actually do A,B, and C to make the changes that are necessary to be a new improved version of themselves? Given that not many people follow through with their New Year's resolutions I would say not many have a solid plan. However, I have a plan. It's a detailed plan too, because I'm a planner and a list maker and organize like it's my job. I am going to list my plan here so that I have my followers and friends to keep me accountable for what I say I'm going to do. So here goes.

1) Attend bi-weekly counseling sessions. Today was session #2 and my counselor already has me thinking and evaluating and working on "homework" each session. It's great accountability for me.
2) Get myself on a regular sleeping schedule. Bedtime is 11:30 and rise and shine is 6:30. An early rise and shine guarantees that I'll have time to relax and prep for the day and thoroughly enjoy my morning cup of hot tea (tiny bit of sugar, little bit of Creme Brulee creamer = perfection).
3) Get back into a workout routine. My goal for my 6:30 wake up call is to squeeze in a morning workout session courtesy of Jillian Michael's and the 30 Day Shred. I have had this issue this past year of starting something, getting 3-4 days in, and then quitting. Not this time. I WILL finish one 30 day round with Jillian and then go from there. Day one starts tomorrow!
4) Save more money! With my taxes I will be paying off two out of three credit cards and a part of the third, which will save me some extra every month. I also don't watch cable, or at least haven't since I've gotten Netflix. It's $50 a month that I'm throwing away. It will be canceled tomorrow. I am going to be big girl jobless come January 2012 for my internship and every penny saved now is a penny that can pay some bills come January.
5) Get to work on my house. I have some painting to do, small repairs to make, and maintenance cleaning to do. I keep putting it off and well it's not doing me any good and only makes me feel lazy when I look at the minor things I want to do.
6) Stop giving more than I get from the intimate relationships in my life. I know what I deserve and it's more than I've been settling for in the past. I am making a promise to myself to not do that EVER again.
7) Make myself a priority again. I was at the top of my game and doing so well and finally getting comfortable in my own skin. Due to unforseen circumstances I lost my focus, but it's back and I will no longer let myself not be a priority. It's full steam ahead! So either get on board or get out of my way!

I can and I will do this. I have to do this for myself. If I can't love me then how can I expect anyone else to love me? I was born to stand out and that's exactly what this year is all about!

Woman on a Mission

I'm that person who you can come to with any issue, any dilemma, any question and I will be honest with you. I won't judge you and I won't assume that I know everything, but I will be real and honest because as my friend I think you deserve the truth. I don't believe in sugar coating because what does that really do? Sugar coating may help you to feel all warm and gooey inside, but it's short and fleeting and in the end you still feel insecure about whatever it was. I lost that part of me with the most recent guy I was seeing and it's one of my favorite parts about myself. It's one of the favorite qualities of me that my closest friends love. But for some reason I didn't show that part of me with him out of fear, insecurity, I'm not really sure. I hate that I lost part of myself again.

Those of you who have been in my life for the last two years know how much I have worked to get back to me after two break-ups that left me broken-hearted. I finally started focusing on me for the first time in ever. I was losing weight and taking part in things that I loved including volunteering and finding a new church and living life to the fullest. In the past seven months I've gotten very off track. I would love to blame it on reasons out of my control, but let's be honest. I can't control life's circumstances but I can control how I react to them. I've reacted poorly. I stopped working out, I've resorted to taking naps after work (I'm OK with the indulgence of naps on the weekends when I have nothing else to do), and I have said no to spending time with friends when normally I would never do that.

All of that has to stop and I'm working on it. I recently started counseling to delve into the pathology behind my issues, mainly self-esteem issues that have been present my entire life. I have to stop trying to save the men in my life from their past disappointments. I realize there is a theme in my past relationships and it stops with the last guy. It's time that I let a guy prove to to me that he is worth my attention and love. It's time to prove to myself that I'm worth the attention and love. It starts today and this time it will continue on for the rest of my life. I'm a woman on a mission to truly love me for me and nothing will stop me this time.

30 Day Shred -- Day 2

From February 2009-November 2009 I lost 30 lbs. I couldn't have been more proud of myself. I had never lost that much weight in my life. Between November and April I lost six more. Between now and then I have fluctuated. I lost weight, I gained, I lost weight, and have gained back approximately four lbs. Four lbs. gained back in the last year isn't so bad when you look at the big picture, but considering how far I've come it's a big deal. Somewhere in the last six months I've lost my motivation. I lost what pushed me to lose the weight in the first place. I had all of these goals set and haven't tried to reach them in months.

But last week I said enough is enough. I started back into the gym and trying to eat less junk and really pushing myself again. Yesterday I started the 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels. For someone who was jogging four days a week for months I thought 20 minutes will be no big deal. Boy was I kidding myself. I forgot to factor in that I haven't really been to the gym on a regular basis since April. Six months of very little physical training after intense physical training definitely takes its toll on your muscles, joints, heart, and lungs. Day two and I'm SORE! My legs, back, arms, and abs all hurt. But it's the kind of pain that lets you know you're doing something right. No pain no gain, right? At least that's my motto to get through the next 28 days of this workout. Who knows if all goes well I may even do a second round of the 30 Day Shred. Stay tuned for updates on how this goes. Plus I need the motivation to keep going :)

My confessions

I think it's safe to say that everyone has gone through some rough patches in their life. I am no different than everyone else living in this world. I've had my share of pain and heartbreak. I've loved and lost more times than I care to count. I've made some poor choices when it comes to the men that I've allowed to "care" about me. This is something that I realize and I don't need to be reminded of that. Some of the things I've been through have been traumatizing enough and thus why I called a therapist. As a future counselor myself I felt it important (as do my professors) that I get into therapy for the issues that I currently have. I have been telling myself that I want to get counseling, but thought that I was better at handling my issues than I really am. It wasn't until recently, when I realized that I was transferring my issues onto someone else, that I knew I needed it.

The therapist called me back today and it's hard admitting to someone that you have abandonment issues because of past relationships. It's hard to admit that you have such deeply rooted self-esteem issues that you feel you'll never pull yourself out of this self-degrading hole. It's hard to admit that you have only cried once since your grandfather died because you feel that sadness is a useless emotion when it comes to death. It's hard to admit that you carry a suitcase full of resentment towards your sibling for their drug use and the effect it's had on the family.

If I'm ever going to heal and move forward then I must admit that and more. I don't want to keep doubting myself or putting myself down. I don't want to harbor this resentment. I want to be OK with crying when a loved one dies. I don't want to lose this person that I feel has potential for something greater than I could have ever imagined, and that's a real potential if I don't control my fears and insecurities. Change has to start somewhere and for me it starts here in this blog. I'm glad that I'm not alone in this journey, because it's going to be a wild ride.

And the greatest of these is love?

And the greatest of these is love. We all know the quote. It's written on wedding shower invites, wedding programs, baby walls throughout the world, and probably on something you've stashed away to be pulled out on days when you need that gentle reminder. But is love truly the greatest thing? Why isn't faith the greatest thing? Faith is believing in something that you can't touch or see. Faith is the power of knowing that you are not alone in all of life's greatest struggles. And what about hope? Hope for a brighter tomorrow, for a brighter today, and a brighter future over all? Isn't everyone looking to do better, feel better, live better? Isn't hope what carries many people through to tomorrow?

Love is the greatest because it conquers all, it surrounds all, and it protects all. Love gives you faith and hope. It gives you faith that the ones you love will never let you down, and hope that if they do it will help you to rise above. It gives you faith that nothing in life is too hard, but hope that if is you will rise above it and be stronger than before. It gives you faith that in your hardest days you can rely on friends and family to remind you why life is worth living, why every breath is worth taking, and why hoping for tomorrow to be a better day is worth getting there to see. Love will conquer every every fear, every worry, and every doubt. It will surround you in your darkest days, in your brightest days, and in the in-between days. And it will protect you from the hurt from others, hurt from experiences, and hurt from self.

My mantra for life is this: I am strong, confident, beautiful, and I don't need a man to validate my feelings. And that with faith, hope, and love I can do ANYTHING! What is your mantra for life?

Today I feel...

Shoes? She feels like shoes? I know that's what you're thinking. But when I see Converse shoes I think of comfortable, easy, relaxed, and free. I am comfortable in my own skin (though I could stand to lose another ohh 40 lbs to be completely happy but whatever), life is easy when you're happy and honest, I'm relaxing into the decisions I've made and the roles I have in life, and free to be me nerdiness and all. I love the Chipmunks, I love sunshine, I love laughing, I love singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in the car, and I love long baths before bed. I am not gonna make excuses for being a 10-yr-old in a 27-yr-old body. It's who I am...and I embrace it.

Life is good! God is good! And I think I may go buy a pair of converse to celebrate how I feel :)

With Spring comes peace

Spring is here and soon it's gonna be summer time. Apparently on my blog I thought it was appropriate to hibernate during the winter months and for that I apologize. But I'm back with some beautiful pictures courtesy of Photobucket that just made this day better than it already was (fyi I highly recommend morning Yoga sessions).

I want to kick off my shoes, throw myself on the ground, and just soak in the sun and warmth and peacefulness that these pictures make me feel when I look at them.

With my hiberation came a lull in the motivation that I was experiencing. I lost the drive to work out and eat right and just keep up with all that had been going right. I could list a million excuses including but not limited to: work, school, friends in other states and cities, Chloe (my beagle...very demanding), money worries, mission to find love, etc. I could continue this list, but I would prefer this blog not be extremely long. But no excuse is worth it. No excuse will help me to shake this weight and this plateau that I comfortably fell into. This last month has been good for me though. I have started back to the gym and getting back into a routine. Last week I walked/jogged/ran 4 miles for the first time in my life. It was a goal that I never knew I had, but was monumental for my life and gaining back the motivation that I found during the Christmas rush. I will keep it up this time, I will run 4 miles in 40 minutes, and by the end of June I will be 15 lbs. lighter. One lb at a time I will accomplish my goals! Wish me luck!