RIP SSGT Jamie Jarboe

It's never easy saying goodbye to friends, but especially when they are lost in the line of duty of serving this great country. SSgt Jamie Jarboe was shot by a sniper April 10, 2011 in the Zhari district of Afghanistan leaving him paralyzed from his chest down. On March 21, 2012 his body finally succumbed to the damages, the countless surgeries to repair the damages, and he passed away.

I have had many friends involved in the military throughout the years and have been fortunate that the war never hit too close to home. Jamie was an old friend from school. He was a bit mischievous, but one of the best guys you could ever meet. Anybody who knew him couldn't help but like him. He was that kind of guy. He moved away and we lost touch for several years until the wonderful world wide web brought us together again. We had the chance to reconnect on old times and share new memories together skyping, talking on the phone, and enjoying catching up. It wasn't until a friend shared the news on Facebook 11 months into his recovery that I even knew anything had happened to him. I knew he had deployed and there was that gut feeling in the very pit of my stomach that said something might have gone wrong, but then he had met his wife, gotten married, and we lost touch so that gut feeling was ignored. Everything happens for a reason I believe. There was a reason I hadn't learned of his journey until the very end though I'm not sure I'll ever know or understand that reason. There is nothing I could have done, but that supportive part of me says had I known I could have offered my support and love to the family in any way that I possibly could have.

I stumbled across this page today, pictures from Jamie's memorial. I can't think of anyone who could deserve the honor of the beautiful ceremony he had more than Jamie. He was one of a kind. A hero to his family, his friends, and all who knew him. He loved the Army and everything our military stands for past, present, and the hope for the future. I heard him say on more than one occasion that if you weren't Cav you weren't shit and he believed that with everything in him. He was so proud of that silly Cav hat (and I can say that because I said it to him more than once). He would walk around his room wearing it because he was that proud of it. If I know Jamie he's probably up in Heaven wearing that hat right now and walking around like he owns the place. And God lets him get away with it because how could he not with the kind of guy Jamie is?

Please take a moment of silence for Jamie, for his family, for his friends, and for our troops stationed here and across the sea. They risk life and limb for us, their fellow Americans. The least we can do is respect them and honor their willingness to put their lives, their families, and their future at risk for you, for me, and for everyone else in the world. RIP Jamie. You'll be missed every day from now until forever.

Long vacation away

I apologize, fans and friends, for my long vacation away. I could say that I've been too busy. I could give you a million and two excuses such as internship, work, babysitting, health issues, family troubles, etc but I won't do that. The explanation is simple: I've been too lazy to come on here and write my thoughts down. Sad. I know. I love blogging. It's a great way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out. I could write on pen and paper, and I love doing that as long as it's addressed to someone else. However, a journal and I have never been very good at keeping up with each other. I love typing. I love hearing the click of the keys as I write my thoughts down. It's therapeutic in and of itself. And so hear I sit, at 12:30 on a rainy Saturday afternoon jotting my thoughts down as I wait for the freshly mopped floors to dry.
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I have been busy that is no lie. I am working at my internship site 4-5 days a week. I've been trying to take at least one day off a week from my internship site so that I can get things done around the house that otherwise seem to not get down after school or before work, with the exception of today. My down day (and literally it's been only a morning and afternoon because the evenings are full) are me days. I'll catch up on laundry, take a nap, watch a TV show I missed during the week, or read. What am I reading these days? Currently I'm in the middle of We need to talk about Kevin. A fictional novel about a 15-year-old boy who shoots ten of his classmates and his mother chronicles their son's life through letters to her husband. It is heartbreaking and yet gripping at the same time. One would think that given the amount of time it has taken me to read it that I am not interested in it but that is simply not true. It is my way of settling in for the night and telling my body "OK time to get ready for bed and sleep". I usually take 30-45 minutes before bedtime to learn about Kevin. Although soon it should be finished and I will be on to The Hunger games to see what the fascination is about. Stay tuned for that update.

In between everything I am trying to find time to study for the National Counseling Exam (NCE) that is to take place on April 21st. I studied slightly before the School Counseling Praxis, but I have a feeling this one is going to be more about theories, theorists, and research terms than the Praxis. And that means I MUST be prepared, or at least as prepared as I can be. It's a $300 test so cross your fingers that I do not have to pay that fee again. Shew.

Currently, I am taking a break away from social media with the exception of blogging and Pinterest so really only Facebook. There is a lot going on in my personal life and the social media seems to be making what I'm going through a little worse. I just need time away from everyone else and focus on me, my relationship with God, and my health. It has been a struggle the last several months due to my crazy busy schedule and the little downtime I do have has been filled with browsing Facebook or piddling around on the internet, when in reality I do not have time for it. I need to fill my time with studying, working out, and finding a job before August rolls around. Those closest to me know how to reach me and keep in touch. Please do so. I will be back. I just need to get to a semi-stress free place again, which may not happen until June. God help us all if it's not until then haha.

Peace, love, and sunshine my friends.

I gotta wear shades...

I've officially been accepted into the Play Therapy Certification program at my school. Play therapy (click me to read more) is a lot more than just "playing". It entails reading into what kids are doing and saying while they're at play. It's a theoretical interpretation of play to forge a bond with a child to help them cope with the struggles in their life.

I was going to start this quarter but with surgery coming up in the next few weeks I decided to wait until next. It will definitely make me more marketable as a counselor and open up different jobs for me in the field instead of limiting me to work within the school system (in case I cannot find a job in the school system). It is funny how much a person can change with just a few experiences. I used to be terrified of working with younger students. It's not because I'm not good with them, but because I am entirely too fond of them and was worried I could not discipline them. It turns out that I can and I will if need be. I've also found that I absolutely adore working with the younger students. I love listening to them and seeing how they view the world. It's beautiful how idealistic kids are about the world. It reminds me of me and how, at 28 years old, I still view the world but they do it without any jaded judgment. I also love how real they are. They're not afraid to ask how old you are (I don't mind telling), tell you exactly what is going on at home (much to their parent's dismay), or inform you of their opinions.

However, there are those kids who are not as vocal. They are, despite their age, very hurt and jaded by the harsh realities of their world. It's those kids that I look forward to helping with play therapy. It's those kids that I cannot wait to play puppets with and find out exactly what is going on just by getting on their level and being with them in the moment. This new certification is going to be a great journey into an exciting, ever developing field and I cannot wait to jump in and learn everything that I can!

The Magic of Love

The magic of love is not found in an instant. The magic is found in the years that are spent cultivating a love that withstands the toughest that life throws it's way -- JLM

I thought of this after watching a Hallmark channel movie called The Magic of Ordinary Days. The basic gist of the movie is that Keri Russell gets pregnant out of wedlock by a Navy guy on his furlough. Her father, a minister, arranges a marriage for her to Skeet Ulrich. He is a farmer living a very simple life. Keri, still in love with the Sailor, agrees to the marriage but finds herself painstakingly happy. I am not one to ruin movies, but I'm going to this once. They fall in love. It's not in any one moment. It's over the entire length of her pregnancy. It's in the little things that they fall in love. She is a terrible cook, but she tries so hard. He is a very simple, not interested in discovering the world kind of man and yet begins reading about the Lost City of Troy because she wants to be an archaeologist. Both step out of their comfort zone to try and make the relationship work the best way that the can. And somewhere between nurturing their relationship they fall in love, which is the point behind the title.

Most days in healthy, loving relationships are what people consider "ordinary". The guy takes out the garbage. The girl makes the extra effort to put on some make-up. The guy learns how to dance. The girl learns about cars. They both take care of the kids, cook and clean up, and get ready for bed. There is nothing extraordinary about most days in our often very busy lives and yet there is something to be said for the effort one takes to make their relationship work. One person could leave the other to do everything. They could go about their day not caring that there is one (or more) people to consider other than themselves, and there are plenty of those relationships out there which is why we have a 50% divorce rate in this country.

However ordinary your day seems love makes it extraordinary. You've committed yourself to loving another human being as much as you love yourself. You've committed your life to caring about someone as much as you do about yourself. Vows are extraordinary. Love is extraordinary. Love can be found in the big moments such as proposals, the birth of your child(ren), death of a loved one, etc. But love can also be found when that black trash bag goes out the door over your SO's shoulder. It can be found in those moments spent getting ready for a date. It is found in those every day, ordinary moments. We need to always remember and always cherish and always cultivate that love, because every extraordinary day started just the same as every other day.

Upcoming surgery

For anyone that is friends with me on FB you know that I've had a rough couple of months with my gall bladder. I spent a few hours Thanksgiving night in the ER and have multiple issues and attacks since then with the most recent being NYE (what is with me and holidays?). After going to the ER I started the round of tests that would help to determine what was going on with me. At the ER they ran a few tests and determined it was not my liver and I did not have gall stones stuck in the ducts. From there, I was sent to have an ultrasound on my gall bladder to see if I had gall stones in my gall bladder. The results from that came back and no gall stones. The last test I had done was a HYDA scan. A HYDA scan monitors your gall bladder activity prior to an ejection fracture test, which is done to send your gall bladder into a fake attack. They then monitor your gall bladder during the ejection fracture to see how well it is functioning.

I got those test results a few days ago and my gall bladder is functioning at 23%. I'm lucky that it's not worse, but that means that only 23% of the time my gall bladder is functioning like it's supposed to which explains why I'm all over the place with attacks from week to week. My body is trying to do what it's supposed to do, but it's not always successful. I received the paperwork from the surgeon and I have a surgical consultation on January 17th.

I have had surgery before, but never laproscopic surgery. I also do not have a great track record with surgery and recovery. When I was nine I had my tonsils out. I ended up spending four days and three nights in the hospital due to complications. I went to have surgery on my wrist in September 2000 and the anesthesia went to my brain and killed me for close to two minutes (axillary block anesthesia, completely the anestheseologist's fault). However, with the bad I should note the good. I went back to have my cyst removed on my wrist two months later and it was successful. I was in, out, and the only issue was my hysterically crying coming out of anesthesia haha. I had all four wisdom teeth removed in June 2009 and I had zero complications from that. It was actually so successful that by the next day I was not taking any pain medication and had zero swelling.

I know that my few issues with surgery were a long time ago and what is meant to happen will happen. There is no preparation that I can do, with the exception of praying, that will guarantee a great, successful outcome. I pray that the surgeons are well rested, have confidence in their skills, and that I will come out feeling better than I have in a few months. I know that all will be OK and fear has no place in my mind or heart. Easy peasy, right?! :)

Who is "they"?

Do you ever notice that people quote "they" a lot? They say breastfeeding is best. They say you shouldn't buy any clothes that are going to be motivation. They say you should jump off a bridge. I don't know who they is, but they certainly seem to know a great deal of information about a lot of things. And how did they get to know so much? Research? Or simply living life? I prefer living over researching any day. Why? Because what works for one person does not work for someone else. I prefer this answer "Whatever helps to boost your happiness, keep you sane, and achieve your goals then go with that". There is no one size fits all "they" answer that works for everyone. I've seen that firsthand more times than I can count.

With that said, I went against "they" (insert shock, awe, gasp reaction) and bought a sexy little black dress as motivation. What's that? You want to see it?
It needs some ironing because this is literally JUST out of the package it was shipped in but you get the idea: Low cut, cinched at the waist, a little peep window in the back, and knee length. Once I pair it with a sexy little heel I'll feel on top of the world in this dress. I ordered it not quite two sizes smaller, which is absolutely against what "they" say. You should NEVER order clothes that are too small, just in case you never lose the weight. But you know what I say? Do what works for you. This is how I am going to motivate myself. I want to fit into this dress. I want to feel sexy. I want to feel sexy in THIS dress. The weight will come off and it will come off soon. And when it does my girls and I are going to go out and I'll turn heads in this. "They" can kiss my slimmer booty when I do.

Gross!

So I have this nasty cold, cough, running a fever kind of thing going on to ring in the new year...super exciting! In the middle of a coughing fit last night I started thinking "I wonder where the congestion, that I'm currently coughing up, comes from"? And because Google and I are best friends (most days) I decided to start searching the answer to that question and many others. Unfortunately, the one they do not have an answer to is "How did I get to be 28 and just NOW learn this". Oh well.

So what is it exactly that you're coughing up? You're coughing up phlegm. It's a combination of bacteria, white blood cells, and and mucus (tasty, right?). It comes from your lungs, not your nasal passages. You also should not shallow it and should spit it out when you get a chance. Why? Because it does contain bacteria and swallowing it means you are just continuing to harbor the bacteria in your body. Bad idea. But if you're anything like me you're busy and not always near a trash can or box of tissues to spit into every time some phlegm decides to work it's way out of your lungs. So what should you do? Drink lots of water. It will help to break up the phlegm in your lungs and help to flush out your system. Also, take an expectorant. It will help you to have a more productive cough, which helps you to cough it up more easily. Lastly, get some rest! Plenty of rest will help you to feel better because at least you'll be recharged and ready for the coughing and snot fest that the expectorant will bring about. I hope you feel better soon!

Welcome 2012!

2012 holds some very exciting changes in my life! It brings a graduation, another move (most likely), certification, licensure, and maybe love if Mr. "I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else" walks into my life. Here is to hoping that it's better than 2011, and 2011 was a pretty great year. I learned a lot about myself, did things I never thought I'd do, took an incredible adventure out west with my mama, moved home, and spend time with some amazing friends and family. It wasn't perfect. Not by a long shot. I still have big goals to achieve and mountains to climb, but I know that I can and I will. Bring it on 2012! Let's see what you got :)

Every day I'm shuffling

I know you're singing the song in your head now. It's OK. Go ahead and take a minute to shuffle your booty around the floor while you sing, I'll wait. Feel better? I know I do. I always do after a great workout, whatever that work out may be. Granted I may be cussing whoever just handed me my ass in the workout but it's a cussing with a lot of love behind it. I'm struggling. No...change that. I'm more than struggling. I am simply here, not working out and not watching what I eat. Well I do watch what I eat as it goes into my mouth. I miss having a gym close, more than I thought I would. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed going to the gym until the option was taken away from me. I miss the natural high I got from walking into the gym, workout pants on, and stepping on that treadmill surrounded by others feeling the need for speed (and losing pounds). I miss Zumba and Centergy classes. I miss the weight machines. I miss the walking track that I'd use to cool down after an awesome cardio and weight session.

I bought a treadmill several weeks ago and I just need to get it set up. But what if I don't get that high like I got at the gym? And the biggest what if for me is this: What if I make goal weight and I'm STILL not happy with my body. What then? Maybe that's part of what keeps me from losing past a certain point? I am my own worst enemy that is for sure. I need to get past this fear. I just need to suck it up and get back on the ball, quite literally so I can get this midsection toned up. I want to fit back into my rocking cute professional clothes. I want to be able to put on a pair of damn sexy boots and strut my stuff. Now where is the hot crew of men to put my treadmill together so I can get started on all of that?

Hard

This one is hard to write, but blogging is my outlet and helps me to keep my sanity so it's needed. All I've ever wanted to be is a wife and mother. It's all I can remember wanting to do when I was growing up. An actual job, teaching, only came about because all I heard growing up was how important it was to get a degree and be self-sufficient. I loved watching others learn, and learning because I taught them something, but that job was chosen because it would allow me to be the type of mother I want to be. I want to be that "soccer mom". I want to be that mom that has a job, but I also want to have a great deal of time with my kids and be able to go to whatever they are participating in. Teaching would allow it. And now school counseling will allow that as well.

Not being in that role at this point in my life is incredible difficult. I thought by the time I was 25 that I would have been married, and if I wasn't already a mother one would be planned or in the works. I'm on the brink of 29 and have yet to find that person to spend my life with and start a family. And as great as everyone tries to be with what they say, the fact of the matter is this: no one has a crystal ball. No one has seen my future. No one can tell me for sure that I will get everything I want out of life. I'm not unhappy with my life in the least. I have done a great deal because I'm not tied down with family. I do enjoy dating, as tortuous as it can be at times. Having an open schedule to make plans with friends is nice. It has been incredible finding out who I truly am and what I want out of life. It's all great for now, but it's not what I want for the rest of my life.

I hope and pray every day that I get the two things I want most in this life. I cannot wait to promise forever to someone else. I cannot wait to hear the first cries of my baby, comfort them when they're sick, and watch them grow up with my husband by my side. They say good things come to those who wait and I've waited patiently this long and I sure hope that I have the time to wait longer.

Please forgive me...

if I fall asleep during conversations with you. It is 99.5% likely that I am not bored by what you are saying, but simply trying to adjust to this waking up at 0:dark thirty to get used to the school schedule. I'm not going to lie a bit. I have definitely taken advantage of being unemployed the last few months, which includes not going to bed until 2 or 3:00 and waking up well after 9:00 some days (and maybe a nap thrown in). Lucky for me I wake up in an annoyingly good mood regardless of the amount of sleep I've gotten so at least my mood will be in tact. I just cannot guarantee that my eyes or mind will be.

They, and by they I mean Covey and his gang, say it takes three weeks to make a habit. I only have 20 more days left to go. Pray that the little bit of sanity I have left decides to see me through this adjustment.

Getting to know me #2

In January I started posting some random tidbits about me so that you, my blog readers, would gain some insight into who I am and what I do. This is a continuation of that process to help you get to know me.

* I love the show Criminal Minds. Yes it features Shemar Moore and who couldn't love that fact alone? But it's more than that for me. I am a budding counselor. I see life situations from a different perspective than most. The person having a bad day? I often empathize with them and want to know what is going on in their life to cause them to lash out on others. The guy who just killed his wife and kids? I want to know what happened to make him murder the family he once loved and cared about. What happened in his past to make him capable of committing murder. Criminal Minds allows me to see that others think much like I do.

* My blog name, Woman on a Mission, has a very strong meaning. I am a woman on a mission. What is that mission? I want to find the real me. I want to find what it is I love to do most in this world. I want to learn as much as I can about everything. I am on a mission to live the best life that is possible for me in this world.

* Upon graduation (June 2012) I am planning a European vacation of sorts. I want to travel the world and see as much as I can before I settle down with a husband and kids, if that is in my future. What better way to start than with a backpacking adventure through the countryside of some of the most beloved countries in the world? Feel free to provide tips, places to travel, and any information that you have.

* I am much more secure in who I am than I ever have been. However, I still have my moments of insecurities. I am, and will continue to be, a work in progress in this respect. I fear that I will never be happy with how I look on the outside, and perhaps if I'm honest, it is one of the reasons why I slack off from working out. What if I get to my goal weight and I'm STILL not happy with how I look? What would all of the blood, sweat, and tears have been for then? I do not have forever though. I NEED to get this weight off for my health and for my future family. I will do it.

I must sign off for the night. 6:00 will come awfully early and want to be on top of my game for my first day of practicum tomorrow.

It's here!

The time to start my fieldwork is here. I can hardly believe that it's been two years already since I started my Masters program and that I am within eight months of obtaining my masters degree (if I survive of course). My fieldwork starts with my practicum, which is ten weeks long and requires 100 hours in the school system. I will have my own caseload of students that I will work with every week and I'm also going to be starting a psychoeducational group based off of The Seven Habits for Highly Effective Teens. I will be teaching the students better habits to be more effective in their day to day life at home and at school. The Seven Habits training that I attended several years ago was beneficial and inspirational and really helped me to learn more about myself. I hope that the experience I had will be the experience that my students have when going through this group over the next several weeks.

My internship will be next. My internship will be 23 weeks long and will require 600 hours in the school. It will be very similar to my practicum except much more intensive than the practicum. I'm so very thankful that we'll have the introductory period with the practicum. The students will get to see my face, learn my name, and hopefully know that I'm a person they will be able to trust by the time my internship starts.

On top of my practicum, I have my integrated project which is a research intensive course that requires each student to write a paper that is slightly smaller than a thesis. Research makes me very nervous because there is so much that goes into research being acceptable for educational purposes. It requires a lot of time to make sure that you are selecting information that works for your paper and is acceptable for a research project. However, my professor seems very supportive already and I think she will do what she can to help us out with our paper and research.

I cannot wait to start this time in my life and it all starts Tuesday. Here is to hoping that it is everything I hope it will be and more.

Enough already!

People that have never made much sense to me are negative and dramatic people and maybe it's because even at my worst I can still see the best in any given situation and the last thing I want to do is make a bad situation seem worse. I honestly feel bad for complaining to people about things that are going on in my life because I know that someone, somewhere has it so much worse than I do. Someone is battling cancer, just lost their mother, or watching their baby fight for their life. I know that everyone is fighting their own battles on a daily basis, but must everyone make a mountain out of a molehill? Why is stubbing your toe a sign that the world is against you? I certainly do not expect everyone to be a Pollyanna, but a little less tragically negative is not too much to ask. Life is a beach. There is a beautiful sunrise and sunset to enjoy, a horizon worth looking towards, and moments to savor and remember each day because of the beauty in life.

Completely fitting

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked -- Bernard Meltze

I am flawed. God might have made me perfect in His eyes, but I've definitely ventured off the beaten path. I'm human and that's what we do. I have not lived a perfect life and have made enough mistakes, especially in regards to men, to fill a book with lessons on how to spot a jerk or follow your gut. I have a small mole hill, reduced from a Mt. Everest sized mountain, of insecurities. I do not make excuses for them and I struggle with hiding them. They like to rear their ugly head often and at times when I certainly do not need them. However, I have done a great job in the last several months of shutting them up either with chocolate or a solid dose of reality. Regardless of my flaws, insecurities, and cracks I've found people in my life who love me either despite my flaws or because of my flaws. I am incredibly blessed to have the people in my life that I do that I've bonded with because of school, passions, work, life, and love. I have friends of different religious, political, and sexual backgrounds. It makes me a better person to have a wide mixture of friends. I am blessed beyond measure with the richness that has been brought to my life because of the people that have come in and out of it. Thank you for all that you've done for me, all that you do for me, and all that will be done in my life because of your presence.

You did what?!

Yes, I deactivated my Facebook and before anyone freaks out it's just temporary. I have a lot on my mind and a lot going on and right now I don't need the additional information flow. The last time I was in this kind of mood I went and deleted 328 friends from my page and I'm still trying to get those people back eight months later, some of which I really cared about. So...to save me the headache of trying to find all of those people again I'm just going to deactivate it for a little bit. I'm not sure how long of a break I'm going to take, just that I'm taking a break. I'm sure it won't be long, but y'all know how to get a hold of me if you want to talk or give me updates on life (and some of y'all better be giving me updates considering there are some expected baby arrivals soon)!

I didn't pass out...

So my exes birthday is coming up in three days. Birthdays are a big deal to me. I just think it's a day that should be remembered and celebrated. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and thinking "You should message him. You should tell him happy birthday". So I decided today that I was just going to do it and see what happened. I wasn't sure if he would respond or not, because well he got a not so nice email a few months back telling him everything I held back, feelings wise) while we were together (I missed him one night and the feelings were overwhelming so I needed to get it out).

Anyways, I messaged him this morning and we'ved exchanged a few texts messages back and forth now. I haven't had a meltdown. I haven't passed out. I haven't had any overwhelming feelings at all. It feels good to have a conversation with him and not have any super strong feelings one way or another, which a month ago I couldn't have said the same. Like I said in my post yesterday, I still have days where I miss him. I had a little ping of that today while we were texting, but it was nothing compared to the longing that I once felt. I don't miss him so much that it hurts anymore.

Processing with someone who is completely unbiased is something I highly recommend to everyone. I would be lying if I said there wasn't a motive behind me messaging him today instead of on the actual day of his birth. I had a therapy session today. I knew, for my own sanity, that I needed to do it today just in case I did make a downward spiral into missing him, which would inevitably turn into focusing on what went wrong and how things could have been so different. Instead, I got to revel in the bliss of my progress in therapy with my counselor. It's good to see that the goals I set for myself in my first couple sessions are coming to fruition. I am becoming the me that I've always wanted to be, and let me tell you it feels pretty darn good!

It's OK to miss him...

I've often thought that society puts too much pressure on us to live the life that they want us to live. A life where "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger", which means that you just have to pick up and move on. But moving on, in any sense of the word, isn't easy. Take for instance a move, the most literal sense of the word. One has to sort through everything that they want to keep or throw away. Once you do that it's time to pack all of your belongings into boxes, put them on the moving truck, pray that your belongings make it there all in one piece, unload, unpack, and reorganize everything back to where you want it to be in your new house.

Relationships endings are much the same. One has to decide what you want to keep as memories from the relationships, whether pictures or the stupid hat you bought on vacation. Once you make that decision, it's time to start packing away parts of the relationship. No you're no longer in a relationship, what was once an RSVP for two is now an RSVP for one, and rituals that once existed no longer do. You then have to put yourself on that truck with your belongings, not the "we" belongings, and move on to your next destination where you will then have to start over again. There will be prayers, begging, pleading, and tears as you make the move and as you hope that you arrive safely and in one piece. Feelings that you buried will be found, much like possessions are found in random places (I once found a cherished hand me down in a garbage can). New feelings will emerge to replace emotions that are fleeting with time. And you'll slowly put your life back together again. Much like a literal move, an emotional move isn't easy, but it's one that you will survive with hopefully a few minor bruises and smashed thumbs.

One of the most helpful things that my counselor told me was this "It's OK to miss him". I've found, for the last few days, that I really miss my ex. I can pinpoint it to this: today makes one year since we met and on the 27th is his birthday. He's on my mind a lot for these two very reasons. I wanted to be spending this day together and obviously birthdays are important to me and I was hoping that I'd at least be the first and last to tell him to have a great birthday and that I loved him. It's hard not celebrating our one year of knowing each other together and what's harder is not talking to him, even though all I wanted six weeks ago was for him to not message me so that I could move on (funny how that works, huh)? It's OK though. I'm not going to feel bad about missing him. I am not going to ask myself "why aren't you over this already"? I am as over it as one person can be. There are going to be days, until I find someone else and feel those feelings again, that I miss him. There are going to be days where I wonder what could have been. There are going to be days that I struggle not messaging him or days where I do and maybe wish I hadn't. But I'm not going to let society, and the inner monologue I've built based on society, make me feel bad. Today, I miss him. Today, I would rather be with him than celebrating Easter alone. And you know, that's OK.

A cherished mother/daughter moment

So I know that you (my loyal blog readers) know that I have body image issues. Always have, probably always will. They have been getting better though and I've really been working on my self-image the last few months through my own work and through counseling. One of the issues my counselor and I discussed was that of my parents making comments about losing weight. I knew then I needed to lose weight, but I didn't need them telling me I need to lose weight or make any kind of comments about my pants not fitting, or that I'm getting as big as the girls I said I've never be as big as, or anything of the sort. The size on my jeans shouldn't have an effect on whether or not someone considers me beautiful, and that's how I always felt.

Anyways, my counselor and I discussed having a conversation with my mama about it because I never want my nieces or nephews to feel like I did when I started putting on weight. I didn't want to have the conversation with my mama about it because I didn't want her to feel bad about comments that she's made in the past, but like my counselor and I discussed this wasn't about HER it was about ME and what I needed to do for my healing process. I finally got up the nerve to talk to her about it last night and she apologized then and said she never meant to make me feel that having extra weight meant that I was less beautiful. That was enough for me to make me feel better about it and calmed some of the crazy thoughts in my head.

They left today and not 30 minutes after they left I get this text message from her "Please forgive me for making you feel less than you are. You are one of the most beautiful women I know. Perfect in every way. I strive to be like you. I love you". Gah I'm tearing up rewriting it. It honestly was exactly what I needed to hear from her. My heart is so full right now and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just from the conversation we had. I'm so glad that I talked to her about it.

March wrap-up

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged, especially because I've had a lot to say in the last few weeks. My counselor and I discussed me journaling or blogging every day between sessions and I just haven't done it until today. There has been so much going on and so much to be thankful for these past few weeks.

My birthday was March 21st and I turned a young 28. It's hard to believe that in just two years I will be the big 3-0. I sometimes look at my life and think what have I accomplished in 28 years, but I've done a lot that many my age haven't done. I've traveled pretty extensively, granted not out of the country but I have seen almost 25 of our great states in the US. California will make 25 in June and I couldn't be more excited even if I have to make the trip alone. It is going to be such a fun adventure (and hopefully a safe one too). I bought a house. I've gone white water rafting and will hopefully be skydiving this summer. I've loved and lost and loved again. I've got my groove back these days. I've made dozens of friends that I consider close confidants and more like family than friends. And I've made a difference in hundreds of kids lives whether it was imparting some minor wisdom that I've learned over the years or spending time with them when no one else wanted to.

For my birthday I got to see the Harlem Globetrotters play with three of my dearest friends and we had such a great time. I feel so incredibly blessed with the friends that I have and that when I tell them they are going to spend my day with me they happily agree (this includes you Jamie...don't pretend). I have been wanting to see them for such a long time and thanks to one of my awesome mentors she was able to score me four free tickets. So not only did I get to see them, but I got to see them FOR FREE!! If you have never seen them, and like laughing, I definitely suggest taking in a show. It is fun to be had by all in attendance.

Kayla came down to see me and that was such an incredible trip and week with her. I cried when she had to get back on a plane from Charlotte. We got to spend time visiting with some great friends, eating good food (considering her terrible morning sickness this was GREAT), laughing, talking, and seeing the sights of the south. I think the trip really sold her on the beauty and hospitality of those in the South, because let's be honest there really is no place like the Southern US.

Counseling is going well and I feel like I'm making some great progress in the goals that I set for myself before going into therapy. I am a much more open person in relationships with the opposite sex, whereas I have kind of always taken a backseat to the guys and let them lead. Damn the "rules" and expectations that society has placed on women when it comes to relationships. I am going to do things my way from now on. If I like a guy I'm going to tell him. If I want to be with him I'm going to tell him. If I think he's not right for me for one reason or another I'm going to tell him. And if he's being a jerk, too clingy, needy, or whatever I will tell him. I refuse to settle this time around. I refuse to do what I've always done in past relationships. If he doesn't like me for me, then he's not the right guy for me. I have to be true to myself. I have to not doubt myself. If I see red flags I have to do what is best for me. The old me would have brushed the red flags aside and gone with it anyway because I was afraid of not ever finding love with anyone else. But those fears are gone. I don't care if it takes until I'm 60 to find the right guy for me. It takes as long as it takes. Until that time, I am going to do right by me and live for myself. Because until someone comes along that can keep up and handle me at my best and worst, I am the only person that matters.